honey, I want you
Dan/Blair. 4730 words. R.
Summary: Dan and Blair have sex. It doesn't go well. Based on promos/speculation for 5x18.
Note: Getting this in so under the gun! This fic was one of the ones I lost in my computer fuckup, which made me very sad, and it took me a bit before I could start recreating/working on it again. Which is why it took me just aaages to finish and it get it posted. All of this will be taken apart by canon in less than an hour, lol. Picks up from the end of 5x17.
Her voice rebounds around his head long after she leaves: Dan, her open smile against his, Dan, her knuckles brushing his throat as she fisted his collar, Dan, her hands were cold but her eyes were so warm, Dan, the press of her ever closer, Dan.
They fell into one of the armchairs, Dan weak in the knees like a dime novel ingénue. Blair giggled and buried her face against his neck momentarily, breath warm on his skin.
“Say it again,” he said and she did, pressed his name into his mouth with every kiss.
He didn't know how he'd ever get used to this, to kissing her and having her kiss back just as hard. Her mouth opened eagerly against his and she clutched his hair with some kind of urgency, nails and knuckles against his scalp, probably painful if he could focus on anything besides the kissing, her small waist underneath his hands. The kissing took on an edge, knifelike anticipation, her body arching into his like she couldn't help pressing closer. Dan never could have anticipated this in all his longing, his half-hearted pessimistic hoping, his endless typing.
"Dan," she murmured. The expression on her face was so very new, open and sweet. She fiddled with the top button of his shirt, fastening and unfastening it over and over. He leaned in to kiss her again and she smiled, pulled back. Softly, "Dan, I think we should go to your room."
"I like it right here," he said. Her skirt was all rucked up around her thighs. It was all dark patterned tights but still – he was the one who did that, mussed her skirt, and she didn't mind, she – "Wait, what are you saying?"
Blair's eyes were so bright. "I'm saying," her lips pressed along his jaw, "I want you to take me to your bedroom."
Dan had a moment of startled panic, during which his face must have done something bizarre because Blair laughed, a soft little sound. "Take a breath, Humphrey."
“Dan,” he said.
Blair smiled. “Dan.” She kissed him again. “Dan, Dan, Dan –“
He thought he’d be waiting much longer than this. He thought he’d always be waiting.
Blair's laugh was sharp and surprised as Dan stood with fumbling abruptness, dislodging her from his lap. "Sorry," he said, stifling a laugh as he steadied her.
Arms winding around his neck, she teased, "God, Humphrey, so clumsy."
"Back to that, are we," he began, nudging his forehead against hers, "I thought –"
But before he could say anything else the door swung open, Lily and his father entering in a huff of luggage.
"And honestly," Lily was saying, "on today of all days? I don't know what my family is thinking half the – Oh. Hello." She stopped, expression shifting from irritation to distaste. Her posture didn't change, hands still on her hips. "I didn't realize you'd have company, Dan."
Dan stared at them. "Maybe if you'd called –"
"You don't even know the day we've had," Lily said, continuing on to Rufus' mostly-abandoned room. "There better be wine in that kitchen."
Rufus gave Dan an apologetic little shrug before following after her, arms full of bags. Way too many bags.
Dan and Blair looked at each other. "You Humphreys," she said, "and your awful timing."
"I'll get them to leave," Dan said. "And go to a hotel or something, I mean, I don't even get why they're he-"
"It's okay," she sighed, tiniest of frowns creasing the space between her brows.
Dan smoothed fingers over her cheek, thumbed her bottom lip. "It's really not."
"It's probably better." Blair sounded so very disappointed and it just killed him, made that feeling in his chest sharpen, longing-disbelief. Her hand slipped from his neck to his shirt, catching in the space between buttons, touching skin. He covered her hand with his and she looked up at him, smiling a little. "Builds suspense."
Dan had enough suspense in the last year and a half to kill him, thanks. "Soon," he told her. "Two days here and Lily will be screaming for a hotel."
Blair tipped up for a goodbye kiss, leaning into him. "I'll see you then, Humphrey."
Later he notices his shirt smells like her perfume.
Lily and Rufus are not gone in two days.
Dan tries dropping hints. He tries being a rude host. He tries sighing loudly every fifteen minutes or so. Finally, he even sits his father down and very earnestly explains that he and Blair are dating now and they need alone time. Rufus only makes a joke, gives Dan's shoulder a squeeze, and goes back to cooking dinner. Dan is despondent.
So they try her place a handful of times, to no success. Every time she hears Serena moving around in the bathroom (even if Dan tries to convince her it's probably just the maid, not that that's better) Blair's limbs snap to her sides like she's been suddenly struck with rigor mortis.
Since Blair's is off-limits, they end up grabbing whatever isolated minutes they can manage – which doesn't exactly help the situation. Having to go from Blair underneath him in his bed clutching fistfuls of his shirt to sitting two feet apart on the couch trying to watch a movie with his dad sitting between them is slowly destroying Dan's sanity.
Lily is clearly disapproving, perched stiffly on a stool with a glass of white wine and a pinched expression for the duration of Blair's visit. She walks in on them not once but twice, which Dan is convinced was completely on purpose.
"Oh sorry," she trills each time, hand coming up to shade her eyes as he and Blair zip themselves back up. She doesn't step out of the room or shut the door, though. "I was just wondering where you'd moved the glasses," is her excuse the first time and the second, "I thought you both might like a cup of tea?"
Then once they were both presentable she would exit with a little shrug, door left ajar behind her.
But any time it looks like they might be alone, they jump on it. The signal has distilled into a one-word text, NOW in all caps to convey utmost urgency. It makes Dan feel bizarrely high school all over again, except getting Blair Waldorf into bed never would have crossed his mind then.
Not seriously, anyway.
Serena is shopping so Dan eschews the subway for a cab, makes his way up to Blair's room without so much as a cursory hello to the new maid. He finds Blair lighting candles in a little ivory slip, strap already slipping off her shoulder. He heads right for her, hands landing on her hips as he presses a kiss to the nape of her neck. "How long?"
"Minimum thirty minutes," Blair says, turning in his arms. "But she said she was buying shoes, so she could be gone all day."
"All day," he repeats with a little grin. "Doesn't that sound nice."
Blair smiles. "But there's no time like the present," she says, nudging into a quick kiss, "So take off your shirt and get on the bed."
"Yes ma'am," Dan says, stumbling back until he hits mattress. He pulls his shirt over his head, Blair impatiently yanking it out of his hands and tossing it away before she climbs into his lap.
"You better make this good, Humphrey," she says before she slams her mouth into his.
"That's not at all helpful," Dan says into the kiss, or at the very least tries to say; it's pretty impossible to talk with Blair's tongue in his mouth and her hands on his chest and why was he trying to talk, again? He pushes those thin nonsense straps down, mouths over her collarbone. Her moan sets off his and then they're kissing again, Dan's relief momentarily shot through with panic. This is really happening, him and Blair.
Then the door opens and Dan nearly throws Blair off his lap.
"I have your laundry, Miss Waldorf," comes the chipper maid, marching inside without a thought. When she sees them she squeaks, dropping the garment bags in her hands and then darting down to pick them up again. "Oh, I'm so so so sorry –"
"It's –" Dan starts before Blair can snap something awful, but he's interrupted again by a voice from downstairs.
"B, are you home?!" Serena shouts. "I need you to tell me what you think of this dress I just got –"
Blair rests her forehead on Dan's shoulder and sighs loudly.
Their next chance is after a party, late enough that Rufus and Lily are in bed. Dan hadn't attended; it's too hard to keep his hands off Blair now that he's allowed to touch her and they have to remain distant in public. She lets herself in with the key under the mat and tiptoes to his room, chiffon swishing around her legs and muffling each of her steps. Her dress is long and black, straps crossing at her throat and leaving bare her pale shoulders.
Dan just wants to touch her, all the time.
"Hey," he says softly. Rushing seems all wrong suddenly – they need hours for this, days if possible.
Blair lifts her skirt, settling over him before she lets it fall. Her heels are still on. "How long?" she asks. Hands on either side of his head, she leans down to kiss him, her hair curtaining their faces.
"All night," Dan says. "If we play our cards right."
"That's some promise you're making," she teases. "I hope you can live up to it."
"Do my best," Dan says.
They just trade kisses for a while, unhurried like that first night Dan still half-thinks he dreamed. It feels unreal, Blair in her gown sneaking to see him, letting him put his hands wherever he wants, touching all the parts of her he wouldn't even let himself think about before. And always her little sounds, moans trapped in the back of her throat like she can't help them.
When he finally pulls at her zipper, it's stuck, so he tries to wriggle it down without breaking the mood but five minutes later there's still no progress and Blair has stopped kissing him, instead staring at him with one raised eyebrow.
"I can't get it," he says sheepishly.
"I could tell." She kisses his throat wetly, just a hint of teeth. "Pull harder."
So Dan gives the zipper a yank, is rewarded with a loud, distinct riiiip.
Blair sits back, lips pressed together tightly, hands flying to feel the back of her dress. He is certain she's going to yell at him. She has that look on her face that shows up before things get really shrill. But she surprises him, says only, "You owe me," before diving back into the kiss.
He manages to get the damn thing half off, which is better than nothing, and the pace starts to pick up. Everything gets a little bit breathless, like the air's gone too thin or too hot or something.
"Condoms?" she says.
"Dresser," Dan says. She gives him a look and, abashed, he mumbles, "It's not like I use them that often –"
Blair laughs quietly and, to her credit, doesn't tease him. She slips off him and out of bed, half-turns to shoot him a small smile before there's another dramatic tearing noise and she yelps, suddenly crashes to the floor.
"Oh my god, are you okay?" He jumps out of bed and drops down next to her, wincing at the ragged hole near the hem of her dress. Her heel must have caught in it.
"No," she snaps, slapping his hand before he can touch her. She looks murderous. "No, Humphrey, I am not okay, I am bruised and my dress is destroyed."
"Maybe in ten minutes this'll be funny?" he offers.
She glares daggers at him. "Remind me why I wanted to have sex with you?"
Dan opens his mouth to do just that when there's a knock at the door and, without waiting, Lily and Rufus poke their heads in.
"Dan, are you alright?" Rufus says. "We heard a crash and – oh. Blair. Nice to see you."
Blair throws one arm over her face, collapsing back against the floor, and waves weakly in response.
Blair refuses to speak to him for three days after that, but he's able to entice her back with promises of an empty loft while Lily and his dad go to meet with a lawyer.
"Humphrey, empty is not a word to be tossed around," she says. "You better mean empty."
"I am aware of the definition of the word," he says. "Come by at eleven, they'll be long gone by then."
They are not long gone by then.
In fact, not only are they not gone but Serena's father shows up to say he'd postponed the meeting so they could have family brunch – only Serena wasn't there and Jenny and Eric were on another continent, so it was just Dan sulking off to the side. He's startled by the buzzer and immediately relieved. This might be bearable with Blair there to roll his eyes at.
He waits at the open door for her. She's smiling when she appears at the top of the stairs, nearly skips the rest of the way, and he smiles back broadly. It's always a surprise to see a smile on her face after so many months of her so unhappy. He can never quite believe that he's the one that put it there, either.
Rarer even than her smiles are her laughs, the genuine ones. Sometimes when Blair laughs, really laughs, her eyes close and her face crinkles up, mouth wide and gums showing. It just about crushes Dan. He finds himself constantly angling for one of those laughs, though he's seldom successful.
"Hey," he says, "So there's been a change of –"
Blair holds up a hand to hush him as she comes to a stop, fingers falling to the tie of her gold coat. "We've been waiting so long," she says.
"I know," he says, "I'm sorry –"
And then she's whipping the coat off and underneath – Dan swallows, hard, because underneath her coat she's wearing something black and formfitting, sheer along the sides.
He needs to form words. Words like: oh, by the way, there are parents not twenty feet away.
"We've been waiting weeks," she says, like that might as well have been forever. Her hands slide up his chest and she starts undoing buttons. He has just enough presence of mind to stop her hand even if he can't stop looking at her. She runs her tongue over her lips; Dan's pretty sure whatever was left firing in his brain shuts down entirely. She leans up to murmur, "Aren't you going to invite me in?"
There's a rustling somewhere behind him. "Blair…" he says, intending to say more but finding himself still kind of tongue-tied.
Her gaze travels over his shoulder, following the sound, and her eyes widen. She jerks her hand back, tugging her coat closed with an exaggerated shudder. "You couldn't have warned me?" she hisses.
"Staying for brunch, Blair?" Mr. van der Woodsen calls out pleasantly.
"I'm so sorry," Dan says, finding his voice now that she's covered up. "I thought they were going to be gone, but the meeting got pushed back."
"Your parents are here and I look like bachelor party entertainment," Blair snaps.
Dan looks her over again and can't help the way his eyes linger at the sweetheart top of her bustier peeking out of her clasped-closed coat, her breasts, the barely hidden garters.
Dan's mouth is somewhat dry. "You look fine," he manages.
Blair narrows her eyes at him but a moment later a slow smile spreads across her face. Like she's a cat and he's a canary, like he's dinner.
Blair does stay for brunch and afterwards he walks her out, cursing every Humphrey in a five mile radius. As soon as they're out of sight, she pounces, dragging him down into kiss after kiss.
"I can't stand it," she says, low, trailing kisses over his jaw and his throat.
Dan lets the door shut completely and presses her back against the rough wall of the hallways. "I know," he says, "Believe me, I know."
Her teeth worry a spot on his neck insistently, soothes it with a kiss. "I want you," she murmurs, "I'm sick of waiting."
Dan tips her head back so he can kiss her thoroughly. "Isn't there anywhere else?"
Breathless, Blair says, "A hotel."
"I thought," he says uncertainly, "Not until the divorce…?" Because bringing up Louis is always a sore subject.
"We'll use cash," she says, "And fake names. And possibly disguises."
Dan smiles a little, but part of him hates the thought of a hotel. He had all these plans, fantasies, grounded firmly on the idea of Blair in his bed. But, "If they won't get a hotel, we will."
"Exactly," she says with a little kittenish smile, pulling him closer by the collar.
He kisses her again, hand sliding under her coat and over stiff satin, those sheer panels he remembers seeing her panties through, over her thighs, between her legs. Blair gasps and Dan traces the lace edging her panties, deeply considering asking if the fucking hallway is a good enough locale –
"Dan!"
Dan has decided that he must murder Lily in cold blood, stepmother or not.
"This dishwasher is making the strangest noises!"
Dan buries his face against Blair's throat. "She doesn't even know how to use the dishwasher."
Blair laughs softly, hands carding through his hair. "You're killing me, Humphrey," she says.
"Same to you, Waldorf," he tells her.
In the end, all that plausible deniability was just preparation for getting this hotel room.
Not only does Blair use a pseudonym (and make him use a pseudonym, even though he is not the one trying to evade royal scandal), but she shows up in a trench coat, headscarf, and giant sunglasses.
There's something wrong with Dan, that he doesn't even find things like this all that crazy anymore.
He goes up first and she follows fifteen minutes later.
"I cannot believe you are wearing that," are the first words out of her mouth.
Dan looks down at himself. "This is what I always wear," he says.
Blair crosses her arms. "I know," she says, staring him down over her sunglasses. "Did you not get the documents I sent you, re: concealing your identity?"
Dan purses his lips, reaching over to pull the scarf and sunglasses away, dropping them carelessly on the desk. "No one is going to find out you're here," he says. "Apparently I took Joanna Wallace up to this hotel room, not Blair."
Blair smirks a little.
"So relax," he continues, echoing her smile as he unties her coat, undoes her buttons. He's a little disappointed to see she's wearing a regular dress underneath it. "There's no chance of us getting interrupted. None."
"No chance," she repeats, smile widening. She pulls him down gently into a kiss. "It's just you and me. Finally."
"Finally," he agrees.
They stare at each other.
"Bed?" Dan suggests.
Blair glances at it, then back at him, agrees, "Bed."
Dan nods, but doesn't move for a second. He and Blair are actually going to – it's actually going to happen. He's going to sleep with Blair. And then it won't be able to be brushed off, an experiment or a confusion of feelings. It'll be real. Really real.
"What is it?" she asks.
"You're sure, right?" Dan says. "About us?"
Blair frowns. "Why wouldn't I be? Are you…not sure?"
"No, I'm just…" Acting stupid. He shrugs, shakes his head, and kisses her frown until she relaxes and kisses back.
Kissing normalizes everything momentarily, stills Dan's neurotic wheel-turning. This is something that's ever more familiar; this isn't something to get nervous over. Blair accidentally knees him in the side a little as they fall back onto the bed but Dan chooses to ignore it.
"Shoes," he reminds her with a small grin, "don't want to trip again…"
"I will never find that night funny, Humphrey," she says sharply, but still kicks off her heels. She pushes him away and sits up so she can peel her dress off, grasping it by the hem and pulling it up, up, over her head. She's just wearing a bra and panties underneath, nothing quite so complicated as this morning's getup, in pale blue. It looks beautiful against her skin, icy.
She bites her bottom lip as she smiles. "Come here," she says, pulling him back by the shirt before she divests him of it. She goes slowly, button by button, just to be torturous, he's sure. Jeans follow. It strikes Dan that this is the most naked they've been together and the same thing must occur to Blair because she suddenly looks sort of shy.
"Still good?" he asks.
Impatience edges into her expression and she rolls her eyes. "You don't have to keep asking me that," she says. "Let's just get on with it, okay?"
"Romantic," he mutters. Blair gives him a quick fake smile and then she's taking her rings off, slipping under blankets. Then he realizes he left the condoms in his jacket, so he darts out of bed to get them. Blair sighs loudly, just short of snapping her fingers for him to hurry up.
All the interruptions must have really affected them because they're moving so quickly, hastily, not paying attention as much as he'd wanted to. She's guiding him inside her before he even really gets a chance to look at her, take her in. She hasn't even taken her bra off. Dan feels like he's missing something, some important lesson. There are all these things he should be learning, what she likes or doesn't, but they've already skipped over that to the main event. But fuck, she's hot; her nails are tracing his spine and she makes one of those little mewling sounds she makes. This is what Dan's been waiting for, wanting, and thought he would never have.
He has it a little quicker than he anticipated.
After they lie side by side, studying the ceiling and not each other.
"Wow," she says flatly.
"Yeah," Dan says. "My words exactly."
Sounding much less sympathetic than Dan would like, Nate says, "The sex was bad, wasn't it."
Dan gives a twitchy little shrug in response, tapping his fingers anxiously on the armrest.
"Also, dude." Nate gives him a look Dan can't quite decipher. He thinks maybe Nate is trying to reprimand him, or something. "Why did you not come to me before this?"
"For tips on having sex with your ex-girlfriend?"
Nate is definitely trying to reprimand him. Or something. "No. But if you're gonna be dating Blair, I'm kind of an expert. Many years of experience here."
"Yeah, and look how well it went for you," Dan says.
Nate raises his eyebrows. "If you don't want advice…"
Dan doesn't, really. He just needs an answer. "Why was it so bad?" he laments, dropping his head onto his crossed arms. "Everything else is fine. The kissing is good. Fantastic, even."
"You kissing Blair is bizarre," Nate says.
Dan lifts his head to glare at Nate. "Could we be a little more helpful than that?"
Nate holds back a smile. "When at first you don't succeed…" he says.
He and Blair stand silently next to each other in the elevator. Blair clears her throat a little.
Dan expels a sigh. "Are we ever going to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?" she asks innocently.
"The sex," he says, because he's not one to let her get out of anything playing dumb.
"Oh," Blair says, "Is that what we're calling that?"
His jaw tightens. "You did say 'wow' after."
"Yes, as in: wow, that was terrible."
"You were rushing me," he complains.
"Rushing you?" she repeats, starting to laugh. "That was the problem, you were rushed?"
"You practically snapped your fingers at me like I was a waiter."
"Not a particularly good one, since I remain unserviced."
"You're infuriating," he snaps, then hits the emergency stop, wraps an arm around her waist, and kisses her.
Blair gasps, sound caught between them. "Humphrey, what are you doing?"
"Making a point," he mumbles, getting her out of her coat, grasping her hair so he can tilt her head back, kiss her more deeply. She's gripping his shirt tightly enough that she's probably leaving all kind of creases, not that Dan gives a fuck. He lets go of her long enough to shrug his blazer off and then she's practically throwing herself into his arms, legs around his hips. They collide with the wall and it startles a cry out of Blair.
"Sorry," he says. He kisses all the skin of hers he can reach, kisses down her flushed neck to the neckline of her dress, tugs it away to kiss the curve of her breast.
"Don't be sorry." She's smiling one of those smiles that he's beginning to think are just for him. The hand on his collar released, snakes down to his zipper, and Dan kisses her again, hard. "Come on, Dan," she murmurs against his mouth, "I want you so much."
Dan makes a sound, trapped in his throat, and pulls at the pins in her already mussed hair. He must catch just the right one by luck because her hair tumbles around her shoulders, more pins scattering on the floor like rain.
It's still too quick, but it doesn't feel like it needs to be slower. It needs to be this immediate, pressing Blair into the wall, all of her wrapped around him. Hurried is good, here, suspended between floors. She's kissing him so hard Dan can't catch his breath.
It's a matter of rearranging to get him inside her, pushing aside lace and fighting zippers, but once they manage everything slows down. Blair's head falls back, eyes closing, and she wets her lips, moans. Dan wishes he could touch her more but he's too afraid to lose his grip on her since he's really all that's holding her up. "Touch yourself," comes out of his mouth without any input from his brain though that's not the kind of thing he usually says, ever. Blair's eyes open hazily and focus on him. She locks one arm around his neck and does it, slides her hand between them, touches him fleetingly before she starts to circle her clit. They're pressed tightly enough that he can feel it, the motion of her hand, and he'd want to watch if he could possibly look away from her face. Her cheeks are flushed, just barely touched with perspiration, and her brow is creased in effort, lashes dark against her skin. She sucks her lower lip into her mouth, holds it between tongue and teeth before her mouth falls open in another soft cry.
He comes first, which is fine because he gets to watch her get herself off. After her kisses are sort of desperate and she's all trembles in his arms, keeping close even after he gently sets her back on her feet.
"We must look such a mess," she says quietly. Dan smoothes her skirt down as she presses tiny kisses along his jaw.
"You look amazing," he says. Blair's smile is embarrassed and she ducks her head. "You know," he continues, running his hand through her hair to untangle it, "Pretty much everyone we know is at that party upstairs."
Blair groans. "And they'll know exactly what we were just up to."
"No, no, I mean –" He kisses her lightly. "I mean, everyone's upstairs. No one's home."
Blair looks at him and then she laughs. "That is an excellent point, Humphrey."
So they take the elevator back to the lobby, catch a cab to Brooklyn. She's curled into his side the whole way there, hand in his. They lock themselves in his room and turn off their phones, leave on the lights, and Dan learns all those things about Blair he'd missed the first time around.
Dan/Blair. 4730 words. R.
Summary: Dan and Blair have sex. It doesn't go well. Based on promos/speculation for 5x18.
Note: Getting this in so under the gun! This fic was one of the ones I lost in my computer fuckup, which made me very sad, and it took me a bit before I could start recreating/working on it again. Which is why it took me just aaages to finish and it get it posted. All of this will be taken apart by canon in less than an hour, lol. Picks up from the end of 5x17.
Her voice rebounds around his head long after she leaves: Dan, her open smile against his, Dan, her knuckles brushing his throat as she fisted his collar, Dan, her hands were cold but her eyes were so warm, Dan, the press of her ever closer, Dan.
They fell into one of the armchairs, Dan weak in the knees like a dime novel ingénue. Blair giggled and buried her face against his neck momentarily, breath warm on his skin.
“Say it again,” he said and she did, pressed his name into his mouth with every kiss.
He didn't know how he'd ever get used to this, to kissing her and having her kiss back just as hard. Her mouth opened eagerly against his and she clutched his hair with some kind of urgency, nails and knuckles against his scalp, probably painful if he could focus on anything besides the kissing, her small waist underneath his hands. The kissing took on an edge, knifelike anticipation, her body arching into his like she couldn't help pressing closer. Dan never could have anticipated this in all his longing, his half-hearted pessimistic hoping, his endless typing.
"Dan," she murmured. The expression on her face was so very new, open and sweet. She fiddled with the top button of his shirt, fastening and unfastening it over and over. He leaned in to kiss her again and she smiled, pulled back. Softly, "Dan, I think we should go to your room."
"I like it right here," he said. Her skirt was all rucked up around her thighs. It was all dark patterned tights but still – he was the one who did that, mussed her skirt, and she didn't mind, she – "Wait, what are you saying?"
Blair's eyes were so bright. "I'm saying," her lips pressed along his jaw, "I want you to take me to your bedroom."
Dan had a moment of startled panic, during which his face must have done something bizarre because Blair laughed, a soft little sound. "Take a breath, Humphrey."
“Dan,” he said.
Blair smiled. “Dan.” She kissed him again. “Dan, Dan, Dan –“
He thought he’d be waiting much longer than this. He thought he’d always be waiting.
Blair's laugh was sharp and surprised as Dan stood with fumbling abruptness, dislodging her from his lap. "Sorry," he said, stifling a laugh as he steadied her.
Arms winding around his neck, she teased, "God, Humphrey, so clumsy."
"Back to that, are we," he began, nudging his forehead against hers, "I thought –"
But before he could say anything else the door swung open, Lily and his father entering in a huff of luggage.
"And honestly," Lily was saying, "on today of all days? I don't know what my family is thinking half the – Oh. Hello." She stopped, expression shifting from irritation to distaste. Her posture didn't change, hands still on her hips. "I didn't realize you'd have company, Dan."
Dan stared at them. "Maybe if you'd called –"
"You don't even know the day we've had," Lily said, continuing on to Rufus' mostly-abandoned room. "There better be wine in that kitchen."
Rufus gave Dan an apologetic little shrug before following after her, arms full of bags. Way too many bags.
Dan and Blair looked at each other. "You Humphreys," she said, "and your awful timing."
"I'll get them to leave," Dan said. "And go to a hotel or something, I mean, I don't even get why they're he-"
"It's okay," she sighed, tiniest of frowns creasing the space between her brows.
Dan smoothed fingers over her cheek, thumbed her bottom lip. "It's really not."
"It's probably better." Blair sounded so very disappointed and it just killed him, made that feeling in his chest sharpen, longing-disbelief. Her hand slipped from his neck to his shirt, catching in the space between buttons, touching skin. He covered her hand with his and she looked up at him, smiling a little. "Builds suspense."
Dan had enough suspense in the last year and a half to kill him, thanks. "Soon," he told her. "Two days here and Lily will be screaming for a hotel."
Blair tipped up for a goodbye kiss, leaning into him. "I'll see you then, Humphrey."
Later he notices his shirt smells like her perfume.
Lily and Rufus are not gone in two days.
Dan tries dropping hints. He tries being a rude host. He tries sighing loudly every fifteen minutes or so. Finally, he even sits his father down and very earnestly explains that he and Blair are dating now and they need alone time. Rufus only makes a joke, gives Dan's shoulder a squeeze, and goes back to cooking dinner. Dan is despondent.
So they try her place a handful of times, to no success. Every time she hears Serena moving around in the bathroom (even if Dan tries to convince her it's probably just the maid, not that that's better) Blair's limbs snap to her sides like she's been suddenly struck with rigor mortis.
Since Blair's is off-limits, they end up grabbing whatever isolated minutes they can manage – which doesn't exactly help the situation. Having to go from Blair underneath him in his bed clutching fistfuls of his shirt to sitting two feet apart on the couch trying to watch a movie with his dad sitting between them is slowly destroying Dan's sanity.
Lily is clearly disapproving, perched stiffly on a stool with a glass of white wine and a pinched expression for the duration of Blair's visit. She walks in on them not once but twice, which Dan is convinced was completely on purpose.
"Oh sorry," she trills each time, hand coming up to shade her eyes as he and Blair zip themselves back up. She doesn't step out of the room or shut the door, though. "I was just wondering where you'd moved the glasses," is her excuse the first time and the second, "I thought you both might like a cup of tea?"
Then once they were both presentable she would exit with a little shrug, door left ajar behind her.
But any time it looks like they might be alone, they jump on it. The signal has distilled into a one-word text, NOW in all caps to convey utmost urgency. It makes Dan feel bizarrely high school all over again, except getting Blair Waldorf into bed never would have crossed his mind then.
Not seriously, anyway.
Serena is shopping so Dan eschews the subway for a cab, makes his way up to Blair's room without so much as a cursory hello to the new maid. He finds Blair lighting candles in a little ivory slip, strap already slipping off her shoulder. He heads right for her, hands landing on her hips as he presses a kiss to the nape of her neck. "How long?"
"Minimum thirty minutes," Blair says, turning in his arms. "But she said she was buying shoes, so she could be gone all day."
"All day," he repeats with a little grin. "Doesn't that sound nice."
Blair smiles. "But there's no time like the present," she says, nudging into a quick kiss, "So take off your shirt and get on the bed."
"Yes ma'am," Dan says, stumbling back until he hits mattress. He pulls his shirt over his head, Blair impatiently yanking it out of his hands and tossing it away before she climbs into his lap.
"You better make this good, Humphrey," she says before she slams her mouth into his.
"That's not at all helpful," Dan says into the kiss, or at the very least tries to say; it's pretty impossible to talk with Blair's tongue in his mouth and her hands on his chest and why was he trying to talk, again? He pushes those thin nonsense straps down, mouths over her collarbone. Her moan sets off his and then they're kissing again, Dan's relief momentarily shot through with panic. This is really happening, him and Blair.
Then the door opens and Dan nearly throws Blair off his lap.
"I have your laundry, Miss Waldorf," comes the chipper maid, marching inside without a thought. When she sees them she squeaks, dropping the garment bags in her hands and then darting down to pick them up again. "Oh, I'm so so so sorry –"
"It's –" Dan starts before Blair can snap something awful, but he's interrupted again by a voice from downstairs.
"B, are you home?!" Serena shouts. "I need you to tell me what you think of this dress I just got –"
Blair rests her forehead on Dan's shoulder and sighs loudly.
Their next chance is after a party, late enough that Rufus and Lily are in bed. Dan hadn't attended; it's too hard to keep his hands off Blair now that he's allowed to touch her and they have to remain distant in public. She lets herself in with the key under the mat and tiptoes to his room, chiffon swishing around her legs and muffling each of her steps. Her dress is long and black, straps crossing at her throat and leaving bare her pale shoulders.
Dan just wants to touch her, all the time.
"Hey," he says softly. Rushing seems all wrong suddenly – they need hours for this, days if possible.
Blair lifts her skirt, settling over him before she lets it fall. Her heels are still on. "How long?" she asks. Hands on either side of his head, she leans down to kiss him, her hair curtaining their faces.
"All night," Dan says. "If we play our cards right."
"That's some promise you're making," she teases. "I hope you can live up to it."
"Do my best," Dan says.
They just trade kisses for a while, unhurried like that first night Dan still half-thinks he dreamed. It feels unreal, Blair in her gown sneaking to see him, letting him put his hands wherever he wants, touching all the parts of her he wouldn't even let himself think about before. And always her little sounds, moans trapped in the back of her throat like she can't help them.
When he finally pulls at her zipper, it's stuck, so he tries to wriggle it down without breaking the mood but five minutes later there's still no progress and Blair has stopped kissing him, instead staring at him with one raised eyebrow.
"I can't get it," he says sheepishly.
"I could tell." She kisses his throat wetly, just a hint of teeth. "Pull harder."
So Dan gives the zipper a yank, is rewarded with a loud, distinct riiiip.
Blair sits back, lips pressed together tightly, hands flying to feel the back of her dress. He is certain she's going to yell at him. She has that look on her face that shows up before things get really shrill. But she surprises him, says only, "You owe me," before diving back into the kiss.
He manages to get the damn thing half off, which is better than nothing, and the pace starts to pick up. Everything gets a little bit breathless, like the air's gone too thin or too hot or something.
"Condoms?" she says.
"Dresser," Dan says. She gives him a look and, abashed, he mumbles, "It's not like I use them that often –"
Blair laughs quietly and, to her credit, doesn't tease him. She slips off him and out of bed, half-turns to shoot him a small smile before there's another dramatic tearing noise and she yelps, suddenly crashes to the floor.
"Oh my god, are you okay?" He jumps out of bed and drops down next to her, wincing at the ragged hole near the hem of her dress. Her heel must have caught in it.
"No," she snaps, slapping his hand before he can touch her. She looks murderous. "No, Humphrey, I am not okay, I am bruised and my dress is destroyed."
"Maybe in ten minutes this'll be funny?" he offers.
She glares daggers at him. "Remind me why I wanted to have sex with you?"
Dan opens his mouth to do just that when there's a knock at the door and, without waiting, Lily and Rufus poke their heads in.
"Dan, are you alright?" Rufus says. "We heard a crash and – oh. Blair. Nice to see you."
Blair throws one arm over her face, collapsing back against the floor, and waves weakly in response.
Blair refuses to speak to him for three days after that, but he's able to entice her back with promises of an empty loft while Lily and his dad go to meet with a lawyer.
"Humphrey, empty is not a word to be tossed around," she says. "You better mean empty."
"I am aware of the definition of the word," he says. "Come by at eleven, they'll be long gone by then."
They are not long gone by then.
In fact, not only are they not gone but Serena's father shows up to say he'd postponed the meeting so they could have family brunch – only Serena wasn't there and Jenny and Eric were on another continent, so it was just Dan sulking off to the side. He's startled by the buzzer and immediately relieved. This might be bearable with Blair there to roll his eyes at.
He waits at the open door for her. She's smiling when she appears at the top of the stairs, nearly skips the rest of the way, and he smiles back broadly. It's always a surprise to see a smile on her face after so many months of her so unhappy. He can never quite believe that he's the one that put it there, either.
Rarer even than her smiles are her laughs, the genuine ones. Sometimes when Blair laughs, really laughs, her eyes close and her face crinkles up, mouth wide and gums showing. It just about crushes Dan. He finds himself constantly angling for one of those laughs, though he's seldom successful.
"Hey," he says, "So there's been a change of –"
Blair holds up a hand to hush him as she comes to a stop, fingers falling to the tie of her gold coat. "We've been waiting so long," she says.
"I know," he says, "I'm sorry –"
And then she's whipping the coat off and underneath – Dan swallows, hard, because underneath her coat she's wearing something black and formfitting, sheer along the sides.
He needs to form words. Words like: oh, by the way, there are parents not twenty feet away.
"We've been waiting weeks," she says, like that might as well have been forever. Her hands slide up his chest and she starts undoing buttons. He has just enough presence of mind to stop her hand even if he can't stop looking at her. She runs her tongue over her lips; Dan's pretty sure whatever was left firing in his brain shuts down entirely. She leans up to murmur, "Aren't you going to invite me in?"
There's a rustling somewhere behind him. "Blair…" he says, intending to say more but finding himself still kind of tongue-tied.
Her gaze travels over his shoulder, following the sound, and her eyes widen. She jerks her hand back, tugging her coat closed with an exaggerated shudder. "You couldn't have warned me?" she hisses.
"Staying for brunch, Blair?" Mr. van der Woodsen calls out pleasantly.
"I'm so sorry," Dan says, finding his voice now that she's covered up. "I thought they were going to be gone, but the meeting got pushed back."
"Your parents are here and I look like bachelor party entertainment," Blair snaps.
Dan looks her over again and can't help the way his eyes linger at the sweetheart top of her bustier peeking out of her clasped-closed coat, her breasts, the barely hidden garters.
Dan's mouth is somewhat dry. "You look fine," he manages.
Blair narrows her eyes at him but a moment later a slow smile spreads across her face. Like she's a cat and he's a canary, like he's dinner.
Blair does stay for brunch and afterwards he walks her out, cursing every Humphrey in a five mile radius. As soon as they're out of sight, she pounces, dragging him down into kiss after kiss.
"I can't stand it," she says, low, trailing kisses over his jaw and his throat.
Dan lets the door shut completely and presses her back against the rough wall of the hallways. "I know," he says, "Believe me, I know."
Her teeth worry a spot on his neck insistently, soothes it with a kiss. "I want you," she murmurs, "I'm sick of waiting."
Dan tips her head back so he can kiss her thoroughly. "Isn't there anywhere else?"
Breathless, Blair says, "A hotel."
"I thought," he says uncertainly, "Not until the divorce…?" Because bringing up Louis is always a sore subject.
"We'll use cash," she says, "And fake names. And possibly disguises."
Dan smiles a little, but part of him hates the thought of a hotel. He had all these plans, fantasies, grounded firmly on the idea of Blair in his bed. But, "If they won't get a hotel, we will."
"Exactly," she says with a little kittenish smile, pulling him closer by the collar.
He kisses her again, hand sliding under her coat and over stiff satin, those sheer panels he remembers seeing her panties through, over her thighs, between her legs. Blair gasps and Dan traces the lace edging her panties, deeply considering asking if the fucking hallway is a good enough locale –
"Dan!"
Dan has decided that he must murder Lily in cold blood, stepmother or not.
"This dishwasher is making the strangest noises!"
Dan buries his face against Blair's throat. "She doesn't even know how to use the dishwasher."
Blair laughs softly, hands carding through his hair. "You're killing me, Humphrey," she says.
"Same to you, Waldorf," he tells her.
In the end, all that plausible deniability was just preparation for getting this hotel room.
Not only does Blair use a pseudonym (and make him use a pseudonym, even though he is not the one trying to evade royal scandal), but she shows up in a trench coat, headscarf, and giant sunglasses.
There's something wrong with Dan, that he doesn't even find things like this all that crazy anymore.
He goes up first and she follows fifteen minutes later.
"I cannot believe you are wearing that," are the first words out of her mouth.
Dan looks down at himself. "This is what I always wear," he says.
Blair crosses her arms. "I know," she says, staring him down over her sunglasses. "Did you not get the documents I sent you, re: concealing your identity?"
Dan purses his lips, reaching over to pull the scarf and sunglasses away, dropping them carelessly on the desk. "No one is going to find out you're here," he says. "Apparently I took Joanna Wallace up to this hotel room, not Blair."
Blair smirks a little.
"So relax," he continues, echoing her smile as he unties her coat, undoes her buttons. He's a little disappointed to see she's wearing a regular dress underneath it. "There's no chance of us getting interrupted. None."
"No chance," she repeats, smile widening. She pulls him down gently into a kiss. "It's just you and me. Finally."
"Finally," he agrees.
They stare at each other.
"Bed?" Dan suggests.
Blair glances at it, then back at him, agrees, "Bed."
Dan nods, but doesn't move for a second. He and Blair are actually going to – it's actually going to happen. He's going to sleep with Blair. And then it won't be able to be brushed off, an experiment or a confusion of feelings. It'll be real. Really real.
"What is it?" she asks.
"You're sure, right?" Dan says. "About us?"
Blair frowns. "Why wouldn't I be? Are you…not sure?"
"No, I'm just…" Acting stupid. He shrugs, shakes his head, and kisses her frown until she relaxes and kisses back.
Kissing normalizes everything momentarily, stills Dan's neurotic wheel-turning. This is something that's ever more familiar; this isn't something to get nervous over. Blair accidentally knees him in the side a little as they fall back onto the bed but Dan chooses to ignore it.
"Shoes," he reminds her with a small grin, "don't want to trip again…"
"I will never find that night funny, Humphrey," she says sharply, but still kicks off her heels. She pushes him away and sits up so she can peel her dress off, grasping it by the hem and pulling it up, up, over her head. She's just wearing a bra and panties underneath, nothing quite so complicated as this morning's getup, in pale blue. It looks beautiful against her skin, icy.
She bites her bottom lip as she smiles. "Come here," she says, pulling him back by the shirt before she divests him of it. She goes slowly, button by button, just to be torturous, he's sure. Jeans follow. It strikes Dan that this is the most naked they've been together and the same thing must occur to Blair because she suddenly looks sort of shy.
"Still good?" he asks.
Impatience edges into her expression and she rolls her eyes. "You don't have to keep asking me that," she says. "Let's just get on with it, okay?"
"Romantic," he mutters. Blair gives him a quick fake smile and then she's taking her rings off, slipping under blankets. Then he realizes he left the condoms in his jacket, so he darts out of bed to get them. Blair sighs loudly, just short of snapping her fingers for him to hurry up.
All the interruptions must have really affected them because they're moving so quickly, hastily, not paying attention as much as he'd wanted to. She's guiding him inside her before he even really gets a chance to look at her, take her in. She hasn't even taken her bra off. Dan feels like he's missing something, some important lesson. There are all these things he should be learning, what she likes or doesn't, but they've already skipped over that to the main event. But fuck, she's hot; her nails are tracing his spine and she makes one of those little mewling sounds she makes. This is what Dan's been waiting for, wanting, and thought he would never have.
He has it a little quicker than he anticipated.
After they lie side by side, studying the ceiling and not each other.
"Wow," she says flatly.
"Yeah," Dan says. "My words exactly."
Sounding much less sympathetic than Dan would like, Nate says, "The sex was bad, wasn't it."
Dan gives a twitchy little shrug in response, tapping his fingers anxiously on the armrest.
"Also, dude." Nate gives him a look Dan can't quite decipher. He thinks maybe Nate is trying to reprimand him, or something. "Why did you not come to me before this?"
"For tips on having sex with your ex-girlfriend?"
Nate is definitely trying to reprimand him. Or something. "No. But if you're gonna be dating Blair, I'm kind of an expert. Many years of experience here."
"Yeah, and look how well it went for you," Dan says.
Nate raises his eyebrows. "If you don't want advice…"
Dan doesn't, really. He just needs an answer. "Why was it so bad?" he laments, dropping his head onto his crossed arms. "Everything else is fine. The kissing is good. Fantastic, even."
"You kissing Blair is bizarre," Nate says.
Dan lifts his head to glare at Nate. "Could we be a little more helpful than that?"
Nate holds back a smile. "When at first you don't succeed…" he says.
He and Blair stand silently next to each other in the elevator. Blair clears her throat a little.
Dan expels a sigh. "Are we ever going to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?" she asks innocently.
"The sex," he says, because he's not one to let her get out of anything playing dumb.
"Oh," Blair says, "Is that what we're calling that?"
His jaw tightens. "You did say 'wow' after."
"Yes, as in: wow, that was terrible."
"You were rushing me," he complains.
"Rushing you?" she repeats, starting to laugh. "That was the problem, you were rushed?"
"You practically snapped your fingers at me like I was a waiter."
"Not a particularly good one, since I remain unserviced."
"You're infuriating," he snaps, then hits the emergency stop, wraps an arm around her waist, and kisses her.
Blair gasps, sound caught between them. "Humphrey, what are you doing?"
"Making a point," he mumbles, getting her out of her coat, grasping her hair so he can tilt her head back, kiss her more deeply. She's gripping his shirt tightly enough that she's probably leaving all kind of creases, not that Dan gives a fuck. He lets go of her long enough to shrug his blazer off and then she's practically throwing herself into his arms, legs around his hips. They collide with the wall and it startles a cry out of Blair.
"Sorry," he says. He kisses all the skin of hers he can reach, kisses down her flushed neck to the neckline of her dress, tugs it away to kiss the curve of her breast.
"Don't be sorry." She's smiling one of those smiles that he's beginning to think are just for him. The hand on his collar released, snakes down to his zipper, and Dan kisses her again, hard. "Come on, Dan," she murmurs against his mouth, "I want you so much."
Dan makes a sound, trapped in his throat, and pulls at the pins in her already mussed hair. He must catch just the right one by luck because her hair tumbles around her shoulders, more pins scattering on the floor like rain.
It's still too quick, but it doesn't feel like it needs to be slower. It needs to be this immediate, pressing Blair into the wall, all of her wrapped around him. Hurried is good, here, suspended between floors. She's kissing him so hard Dan can't catch his breath.
It's a matter of rearranging to get him inside her, pushing aside lace and fighting zippers, but once they manage everything slows down. Blair's head falls back, eyes closing, and she wets her lips, moans. Dan wishes he could touch her more but he's too afraid to lose his grip on her since he's really all that's holding her up. "Touch yourself," comes out of his mouth without any input from his brain though that's not the kind of thing he usually says, ever. Blair's eyes open hazily and focus on him. She locks one arm around his neck and does it, slides her hand between them, touches him fleetingly before she starts to circle her clit. They're pressed tightly enough that he can feel it, the motion of her hand, and he'd want to watch if he could possibly look away from her face. Her cheeks are flushed, just barely touched with perspiration, and her brow is creased in effort, lashes dark against her skin. She sucks her lower lip into her mouth, holds it between tongue and teeth before her mouth falls open in another soft cry.
He comes first, which is fine because he gets to watch her get herself off. After her kisses are sort of desperate and she's all trembles in his arms, keeping close even after he gently sets her back on her feet.
"We must look such a mess," she says quietly. Dan smoothes her skirt down as she presses tiny kisses along his jaw.
"You look amazing," he says. Blair's smile is embarrassed and she ducks her head. "You know," he continues, running his hand through her hair to untangle it, "Pretty much everyone we know is at that party upstairs."
Blair groans. "And they'll know exactly what we were just up to."
"No, no, I mean –" He kisses her lightly. "I mean, everyone's upstairs. No one's home."
Blair looks at him and then she laughs. "That is an excellent point, Humphrey."
So they take the elevator back to the lobby, catch a cab to Brooklyn. She's curled into his side the whole way there, hand in his. They lock themselves in his room and turn off their phones, leave on the lights, and Dan learns all those things about Blair he'd missed the first time around.