Hey everyone. I realize that my return from hiatus has still been very...hiatus-y and I haven't been around a lot. I have had a very crummy and stressful month so far with more stress on the horizon. I also had the flu, which I'm still getting over. I've just been laying in a very quiet heap for days. So I...probably will continue to not be around that much but I wanted to post a little something just to prove that I'm, you know, alive. Which I mostly am.
Also due to technological mishaps I had to replace my old Photoshop with the new one and then RE-LEARN how to make gifs so if they look shittier than their normal level of shittiness (I am byno means a gif expert) then that is why.
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potentially relevant links:
+ the last recap
+ links to watch
+ other links + subs
I re-read my last recap and it was hella boring so I have come to a decision in an effort to combat that & also to actually get through all of these episodes (I like to finish shit, goddammit). For the episodes that are boring or really close to the original, I’m just going to do sort of quick hits & shits posts (potentially covering more than one episode at a time) that are like: here is a hideous thing Sofia wore, here is Dan looking hot, etc. And save the in-depth reviews for the episodes that are really fun or really different. How does that sound? Does that work for the two of you that are still reading these?
I’ll try it this go around and y’all can tell me which way you prefer.
+ This episode and the last one are sort of a stretched out 1x13 (The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate) but I feel like they also snagged some stuff from future episodes (was Jenny/Asher this early? I no longer remember).
+ The hair girl clearly watched some YouTube braiding tutorials because everyone is BRAIDED TO FUCK this episode but only like a third of the hairstyles are cute. Like, look at this monstrosity on Jenny’s head:
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What is that.
+ The product placement is also CRAZYPANTS, with a lot of pointed zoom-ins on Always tampons and Sony speakers. For example, this shot, where main character Jenny is fuzzy in the background and a package of tampons sits full center frame like a goddamn queen:
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+ Remember how at the end of last episode, both Barbie and Sofia threw their phones in the trash? And I made a big fuss about how wasteful that was and how hilariously slowly the garbage can closed? Well this episode makes like fifteen thousand jokes about it to the point that it ceases to have comedic cache, and really it was all just a set up to hock Sony products a billion times because everyone needs to get new phones. Get money, I guess.
+ This episode also seems like it’s trying to fill time, which results in a lengthy wankbait montage of Daniel squeezing himself into a wetsuit that I have included in gif form at the end of this post. You’re welcome.
+ Stray thought: this show came out around 2013 if I remember correctly so it’s ALL ‘BOUT THAT TWITTER, like GG was all about that trashy gossip website because it was 2007, and I’m just thinking that if there was a 2016 version then Gossip Girl would just be an Instagram account.
+ This episode is actually very weirdly separated into segments that barely hold together or flow, which made it a less fun watch, but makes it easier to sum up in the new way I’m trying. Let’s go kid by kid!
Barb spends most of the episode crying while wearing extremely ill fitting clothing but looking cute anyway, because she is cute. Everyone at school is really nasty to her about having dared to fuck two boys in her life and the mean girls cast her out, which I guess is the cherry on the shit sundae of B's life. Barbie weeps some more and flings herself into Eleanor’s arms; Eleanor shortcircuits out of panic and agrees to Barbie’s request to leave Acapulco as long as Barbie stops touching her.
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Also Max and Barbie have the whole “I only have you” / “actually you don’t even have me” thing. He makes her cry, but it’s less hardcore because he doesn’t compare her to a horse. He does tell her that updating his new Sony Xperia Z1 or whatever the fuck it is is more important than her. Which, lolz, honestly.
For once they’re not fighting at all! They exchange their first I love you’s this episode but unlike ours it’s really not a big deal at all. Daniel very adorably lets it slip at school (“Did I think it or say it?” he says after, which is PRECIOUS) and Sofia gets all beamy and teases him about it a lot. No one cares that she doesn’t say it back instantly, and Daniel sort of tries to brush off that he said it at all (but in a cute way). She is the one to bring up his slip-up throughout the episode and it’s always very light and teasing and doesn’t really delve into her relationship issues at all.
He gives her one of those embarrassing “this is why I love you!” speeches that I hate no matter when or why or where or what the content is (the original one on our show that Dan gives Serena makes me want to DIE CRINGING every time I even think about it and guess what I also hate the vows Dan wrote for Blair). She says she loves him, they spend the rest of the episode making out. Fighting or making out, that is all they do.
Blah blah same stuff: “Stay and I’ll fight with you!” They are cute but it’s not really anything revolutionary. Serena and Blair are…better. I love everyone at this bar, but Serena and Blair are better. For all the rumors that they didn’t get along, those girls had great chemistry, and I always especially loved Blake’s body language in SB scenes – very comfortable and sisterly and familiar. I mean, these girls are cute too, but y’all feel me.
Anemic Matt Bomer aka Nico is sleeping on a mattress in the middle of his empty home, which looks like a garage. He spends the episode trying to violently pretend he is totally fine when he is super not. At one point Nico loiters outside school dressed like a rentboy and Dan runs into him and in the course of the conversation it seems to come out that Nico just hasn’t been going to school at all? No one has been wondering where the hell he is??? Whatever. He is there to try to beg money off Sofia because he's hella broke (broke Nate is possibly my favorite? I always wanted all those socs to go broke.), so he asks Dan where she is; instead, Dan very sweetly just hands over whatever money he has in his wallet, not knowing the real extent of Nico’s issues. It’s super cute (but spoiler: they’re not gay roomies in GGA).
Since this failed, Nico calls up Busted Freddie Prinze Jr aka Poncho aka Carter who gets Nico involved in some gambling nonsense that loses him not only whatever cash he had, but also his grandfather’s prized watch. Nico looks adorably out of sorts in his Newsies outfit amongst the threatening gambler types. Nico then tries to borrow ten grand off Sofia but she’s a little too concerned for his secretive ass so instead he calls up the Duchess of Acapulco to peddle said ass for cash. It is a very conscious decision on his part, unlike our Nathaniel who was really caught up in a shitty, abusive relationship. Nico fully decides to engage in some casual prostitution but at the same times it’s because he’s so sad and so desperate that he does not know what the hell else to do. It is pretty heartbreaking. Maybe it’s time to just call up Abuelo?
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Now that Barbie has been kicked out of the mean girls, Jenny has risen in minion status and is well on her way to queen bitch. She mooches funds off her minion pals and has terrible hair and is delightful. She meets her Asher Hornsby, who here has the much more awesome name Paolo San Román, and he is one of the minion’s brothers, which is a nice twist that pays off later in a cool way. The show makes so may gay references and jokes and winks about him that I don’t even know where to START. He is introduced wearing pink shorts, with heavily waxed brows, and immediately bonds with Jenny over the fact that they both “love fashion.” Now, anyone who has ever seen a classic Hollywood movie made during the Hays Code era knows what it means when someone “loves fashion” and/or “is an interior decorator.” He and Jenny go on a montage of dates where they ride in helicopters and faff about the beach and giggle and take selfies and kiss while managing to not physically touch at all in any way. It’s pretty miraculous. Gossip Girl even voiceovers, “Love at first sight is so romantic that sometimes we lose sight of what we’re really looking at.” In other words, HE GAY.
Also, when he stops in to meet Rufus, Paolo compliments Jenny’s purse and Rufus makes a “hmmm” face in the background. Then as soon as Jenny and Paolo leave, Rufus sort of shakes his head to himself like, “Wow, my daughter has no gaydar at all.”
+ And no one cares about Max the end. No, genuinely, outside of taking a huge shit on Barbie’s life (with product placement!), he goes away for the whole episode. No one even mentions him, except Vanessa, and that’s only so she can make fun of his neckerchiefs while she and Dan cackle.
+ As promised, wankbait:![]()
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See you next time, kids.
Also due to technological mishaps I had to replace my old Photoshop with the new one and then RE-LEARN how to make gifs so if they look shittier than their normal level of shittiness (I am byno means a gif expert) then that is why.
potentially relevant links:
+ the last recap
+ links to watch
+ other links + subs
I re-read my last recap and it was hella boring so I have come to a decision in an effort to combat that & also to actually get through all of these episodes (I like to finish shit, goddammit). For the episodes that are boring or really close to the original, I’m just going to do sort of quick hits & shits posts (potentially covering more than one episode at a time) that are like: here is a hideous thing Sofia wore, here is Dan looking hot, etc. And save the in-depth reviews for the episodes that are really fun or really different. How does that sound? Does that work for the two of you that are still reading these?
I’ll try it this go around and y’all can tell me which way you prefer.
+ This episode and the last one are sort of a stretched out 1x13 (The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate) but I feel like they also snagged some stuff from future episodes (was Jenny/Asher this early? I no longer remember).
+ The hair girl clearly watched some YouTube braiding tutorials because everyone is BRAIDED TO FUCK this episode but only like a third of the hairstyles are cute. Like, look at this monstrosity on Jenny’s head:
What is that.
+ The product placement is also CRAZYPANTS, with a lot of pointed zoom-ins on Always tampons and Sony speakers. For example, this shot, where main character Jenny is fuzzy in the background and a package of tampons sits full center frame like a goddamn queen:
+ Remember how at the end of last episode, both Barbie and Sofia threw their phones in the trash? And I made a big fuss about how wasteful that was and how hilariously slowly the garbage can closed? Well this episode makes like fifteen thousand jokes about it to the point that it ceases to have comedic cache, and really it was all just a set up to hock Sony products a billion times because everyone needs to get new phones. Get money, I guess.
+ This episode also seems like it’s trying to fill time, which results in a lengthy wankbait montage of Daniel squeezing himself into a wetsuit that I have included in gif form at the end of this post. You’re welcome.
+ Stray thought: this show came out around 2013 if I remember correctly so it’s ALL ‘BOUT THAT TWITTER, like GG was all about that trashy gossip website because it was 2007, and I’m just thinking that if there was a 2016 version then Gossip Girl would just be an Instagram account.
+ This episode is actually very weirdly separated into segments that barely hold together or flow, which made it a less fun watch, but makes it easier to sum up in the new way I’m trying. Let’s go kid by kid!
Lil Barbarita
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Barb spends most of the episode crying while wearing extremely ill fitting clothing but looking cute anyway, because she is cute. Everyone at school is really nasty to her about having dared to fuck two boys in her life and the mean girls cast her out, which I guess is the cherry on the shit sundae of B's life. Barbie weeps some more and flings herself into Eleanor’s arms; Eleanor shortcircuits out of panic and agrees to Barbie’s request to leave Acapulco as long as Barbie stops touching her.
Also Max and Barbie have the whole “I only have you” / “actually you don’t even have me” thing. He makes her cry, but it’s less hardcore because he doesn’t compare her to a horse. He does tell her that updating his new Sony Xperia Z1 or whatever the fuck it is is more important than her. Which, lolz, honestly.
Daniel y Sofia
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For once they’re not fighting at all! They exchange their first I love you’s this episode but unlike ours it’s really not a big deal at all. Daniel very adorably lets it slip at school (“Did I think it or say it?” he says after, which is PRECIOUS) and Sofia gets all beamy and teases him about it a lot. No one cares that she doesn’t say it back instantly, and Daniel sort of tries to brush off that he said it at all (but in a cute way). She is the one to bring up his slip-up throughout the episode and it’s always very light and teasing and doesn’t really delve into her relationship issues at all.
He gives her one of those embarrassing “this is why I love you!” speeches that I hate no matter when or why or where or what the content is (the original one on our show that Dan gives Serena makes me want to DIE CRINGING every time I even think about it and guess what I also hate the vows Dan wrote for Blair). She says she loves him, they spend the rest of the episode making out. Fighting or making out, that is all they do.
Sofia y Barbie
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Blah blah same stuff: “Stay and I’ll fight with you!” They are cute but it’s not really anything revolutionary. Serena and Blair are…better. I love everyone at this bar, but Serena and Blair are better. For all the rumors that they didn’t get along, those girls had great chemistry, and I always especially loved Blake’s body language in SB scenes – very comfortable and sisterly and familiar. I mean, these girls are cute too, but y’all feel me.
Nico my little failure poodle
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Anemic Matt Bomer aka Nico is sleeping on a mattress in the middle of his empty home, which looks like a garage. He spends the episode trying to violently pretend he is totally fine when he is super not. At one point Nico loiters outside school dressed like a rentboy and Dan runs into him and in the course of the conversation it seems to come out that Nico just hasn’t been going to school at all? No one has been wondering where the hell he is??? Whatever. He is there to try to beg money off Sofia because he's hella broke (broke Nate is possibly my favorite? I always wanted all those socs to go broke.), so he asks Dan where she is; instead, Dan very sweetly just hands over whatever money he has in his wallet, not knowing the real extent of Nico’s issues. It’s super cute (but spoiler: they’re not gay roomies in GGA).
Since this failed, Nico calls up Busted Freddie Prinze Jr aka Poncho aka Carter who gets Nico involved in some gambling nonsense that loses him not only whatever cash he had, but also his grandfather’s prized watch. Nico looks adorably out of sorts in his Newsies outfit amongst the threatening gambler types. Nico then tries to borrow ten grand off Sofia but she’s a little too concerned for his secretive ass so instead he calls up the Duchess of Acapulco to peddle said ass for cash. It is a very conscious decision on his part, unlike our Nathaniel who was really caught up in a shitty, abusive relationship. Nico fully decides to engage in some casual prostitution but at the same times it’s because he’s so sad and so desperate that he does not know what the hell else to do. It is pretty heartbreaking. Maybe it’s time to just call up Abuelo?
Bearding with Jenny
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Now that Barbie has been kicked out of the mean girls, Jenny has risen in minion status and is well on her way to queen bitch. She mooches funds off her minion pals and has terrible hair and is delightful. She meets her Asher Hornsby, who here has the much more awesome name Paolo San Román, and he is one of the minion’s brothers, which is a nice twist that pays off later in a cool way. The show makes so may gay references and jokes and winks about him that I don’t even know where to START. He is introduced wearing pink shorts, with heavily waxed brows, and immediately bonds with Jenny over the fact that they both “love fashion.” Now, anyone who has ever seen a classic Hollywood movie made during the Hays Code era knows what it means when someone “loves fashion” and/or “is an interior decorator.” He and Jenny go on a montage of dates where they ride in helicopters and faff about the beach and giggle and take selfies and kiss while managing to not physically touch at all in any way. It’s pretty miraculous. Gossip Girl even voiceovers, “Love at first sight is so romantic that sometimes we lose sight of what we’re really looking at.” In other words, HE GAY.
Also, when he stops in to meet Rufus, Paolo compliments Jenny’s purse and Rufus makes a “hmmm” face in the background. Then as soon as Jenny and Paolo leave, Rufus sort of shakes his head to himself like, “Wow, my daughter has no gaydar at all.”
+ And no one cares about Max the end. No, genuinely, outside of taking a huge shit on Barbie’s life (with product placement!), he goes away for the whole episode. No one even mentions him, except Vanessa, and that’s only so she can make fun of his neckerchiefs while she and Dan cackle.
+ As promised, wankbait:
See you next time, kids.