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We open on Sofia blithely shopping for pregnancy tests, making sure to hold the boxes close to her face with the labels clearly visible just in case anyone happens to be standing by looking to take some incriminating pictures. Luckily, someone is!
A bunch of strangers gasp and cackle and gossip about Sofia’s potential pregnancy. Jenny is one of these people, letting out a blood-curdling scream that brings the entire family to her room on the assumption that she must be getting ax-murdered or something. She is not; instead she offers the very thin excuse of “practicing her scream.” No one is convinced, so Allison steals Jenny’s laptop, takes a look, and is like, “So, son, have you impregnated any girls recently or…?”
Allison looks about ready to ice this kid. It is one of the most honest, terrifying mom faces I have seen on television in my life. I don’t think she blinks for ten minutes.
A woman who is going to murder her son in cold blood.
Eric also brings it up to Sofia, but she is blissfully ignorant that her picture has been splashed all over the internet even though that happens to her every thirty seconds. Eric is worried that she’s turning back into ~the old Sofia~~ (everyone always acts like this bish is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, or like Old Serena is the Hulk waiting to bust out if she loses total control for a millisecond) but she assures him that whatever he’s thinking, this isn’t that – but she also can’t tell him what is going on, presumably just to keep it from the audience because it’s not like Eric would spill about Barbie so I don’t see why she couldn’t just tell him. She’s perfectly fine telling EVERYONE ELSE ON EARTH later in the episode.
The Parras are continuing to not blink at their son until he enters a state of self-induced high anxiety. Dan – Dan– tells them not to get ahead of themselves, that he has to talk to Sofia before jumping to any conclusions. Now, Dan and Sofia have not slept together, so at this point he can only assume if she’s knocked up it’s someone else’s doing, and he’s actually pretty nice about not blabbing these potential suspicions to anyone – not that that lasts very long, though. When someone sasses Sofia at school, Dan stands up for her and then waits until they’re alone to ask what the fuck is up. But then he ROYALLY LOSES IT.
Dan storms off before Sofia has the chance to explain, which would take approximately two seconds, DANIEL, and solve this problem without any of these histrionics.
Meanwhile Max is stalking Barbie some more blah blah. She calls him a whore, he calls her a nun, he grabs her a lot, he threatens her, rinse, repeat.
Jenny tries to sit with the mean girls but Barbie tells her very politely to back the fuck up because she is “repulsed” at having Jenny so near. Jenny does a good imitation of her mom’s death stare but Barbie is continually rude to her so Jenny just leaves. Semi-interestingly, the mean girls seem to be a lot more Team Jenny than Team Barbie in this scene; they look visibly uncomfortable with all the hazing.
Sofia arrives (“I’m not pregnant!” “Congratulations!”) to chat to Barbie about the state of her own uterus, but Barbie chooses to play dumb. It’s pretty much the “movie of your perfect life” scene word for word. This entire episode is pretty exact tbh, except for minor changes like Dan and Sofia fighting.
Sofia being done with Barbie.
Me being too lazy to also gif Barbie.
Nico and Barbie make out in the courtyard while Max continues to stalk her. Nico goes on about how totally certain he is about stuff now and how much he loves Barbie and how great everything is going. He might as well be begging fate to smack him down. Barbie shoots Max a tragic look while making out with Nico. Our subtitler subtitles it with a typed sad face. Agree to disagree.
Dan and Jenny huff home in joint but distinct huffs about their life; i.e. she is dumb for wanting a rich girl to like her and he is dumb for wanting a rich girl to like him. Rufus is like “so, she pregs?” and Dan lies that Sofia wasn’t at school. Rufus tells him to go to her house but instead Dan throws a panicked hissy fit while Jenny stares at him like she’s disappointed to be his flesh and blood. Vanessa’s bloodhound skills for knowing when Daniel is naked and/or distressed activate and she comes to check on him. She says she saw the tweet, tells him to quit having an attitude, calls him stupid for having unprotected sex, and implores him to tell her that he is not getting married now. Okay she’s still pretty great.
Daniel confesses to her (no one else, just his ex-girlfriend who still wants his D) that he hasn’t slept with Sofia and Vanessa immediately loses points because she launches into a WHAT A SLUT I KNEW SHE’D DO THIS TO YOU thing. I am so bored of people calling Sofia a slut I can’t even tell y’all. SHE SLEPT WITH SOME PEOPLE. EVERYONE GET OVER IT.
He re-realizes that he should actually speak to Sofia – and if he had done that in the first place, all of this could have been avoided. This episode has so much needless miscommunication drama.
Sofia is trying desperately to get Barbie to pee on a stick but all Barbie wants to talk about is how she finally hooked Nico. Sofia is like, “Okay, great, but how much do you think Nico will love it if you are HAVING MAX’S BABY, huh? PEE.”
Barbie does not.
I will always wonder how Blair had like 80 pregnancy scares when you know she’d be the kind of girl who would use like four condoms plus birth control plus spermicide.
Sofia comes by the Parras to talk to Dan because he’s still too much of a wimp to call his own girlfriend. Vanessa answers the door at the Parras because why not, then does everything possible to subtly make Sofia feel like shit until Daniel comes in. He’s wearing a very 2005 top but it looks hot on him anyway.
Daniel and Sofia go for a walk. He is a lot less crazy and a lot calmer. She continues to phrase everything in the most incriminating way possible until she finally works her way around to telling him it’s actually Barbie who might be baking a bun in her oven. Daniel apologizes for being an ass. This happens like once an episode, no? Did our SD do this? I don’t remember them having so many fights per episode tbh but it’s possible I look at them with harder shipper goggles.
Jenny is obviously walking by just in time to overhear this.
Daniel blames Nico for knocking Barbie up so fast (???) so Sofia explains about Barbie and Max. Jenny presumably wets herself in excitement at getting this scoop. Dan tells Sofia that maybe Max could convince Barbie because he has “every right to know” (he does not) and Sofia disagrees, which is the right decision, but then she and Dan talk about how Barbie is the Queen of Denial so Sofia decides to tell Max anyway.
Convoluted! Both here and on the original! Why would you rat on your best friend to the worst guy on earth about something this serious! This could never end well and Sofia and Serena both know that! And yet!
Rufus whines about the hotel but Allison is like “who gives a fuck, our son might be a teen father?????” Rufus is unconcerned. Allison says this would never have happened in Argentina. Do people not get pregnant in Argentina? They also refer to them coming “back” to Mexico and that Daniel never wanted to leave in the first place so… I am no closer to understanding this whole moving situation with the Parras. They also have a fight because they don’t want to be married anymore but neither of them wants to say so.
Sofia goes to talk to Max. He tries to start some incest roleplay but she pops his boner by telling him about Barbie. She also says she knows deep down he is a decent person, which is a boldfaced lie if ever I have heard one. He can’t even be nice about women for the space of this conversation; he tells Sofia all about torturing Barbie with obvious relish and she is not put off enough to pump the brakes on this conversation. Max promises it’s not his baby – if anything, it’s Nico’s. I feel that, tbh. Like if anyone was going to accidentally knock a girl up, it would be Nate Archibald.
Max is remarkably unconcerned about this whole situation for someone who is allegedly very in love with Barbie.
Daniel lets his parents know they aren’t grandparents. Rufus is very “I’m a cool dad! Use a condom!” about it. Rufus and Allison congratulate each other on having such a great son even though they fully did not believe he hadn’t knocked up a girl all day yesterday.
Sofia goes to confront Barbie about boning Nico and Barbie is understandably upset that Sofia tattled to Max. But then Sofia guilt-trips her about taking the fall for the pregnancy tests, even though Barbie did not ask her to get those, so whatever. Eleanor interrupts, Sofia is sassy and leaves, and Eleanor asks around Barbie’s bulimia. Barbie says she’s fine but very stressed, so Eleanor suggests she take a vacation. Just then Nico comes to pick her up and the conversation is shelved.
Max is the one who brought Nico to Barbie’s and he makes some smug comments about how if she wasn’t Nico’s girl, he would have stolen her already. Nico tells him to knock it off. Too late, pal.
This episode must be thin on plot and short on time, because the scenery montages between scenes are extra long. I also think they’re stretching every teensy fight to the max. It all feels very done, you know?
Even though it was just the next morning, it is now the next next morning. Barbie has finally decided to take her pregnancy test! She paces around the bathroom in cute lingerie-style jammies. Luckily, she is not pregnant and since this show only got one season she won’t ever have to be! Yay! She calls Sofia to apologize and it’s very sweet but not as sweet as when Serena had a little dance of joy in the middle of the street over Blair’s lack of fetus and startled an old man. Sofia does say she had a dress ready for the baptism, which is funny.
Barbie is so happy about her lack of pregnancy that she’s actually greeting random passersby pleasantly on the way into school. Max comes to talk to her, calling her the “future mother of his children” and she tells him not to touch her, he’s a mistake, and she doesn’t care about him as a man or a friend. I love when she rips him a new asshole, but it’s never fun for long because he always retaliates by punishing her in a way worse way than her rejecting him.
So, a tweet is sent out about Barbie sleeping with two boys and everyone at school mutters about how she’s a nasty slut, etc. Nico meanwhile is staring very intensely at his phone, uncertain as to what emotions he is supposed to be having right now. He rushes off (to find Barbie I guess??) but Jenny finds him first. She is ON IT with this guy like a shark smelling blood in the water. Nico and Barbie’s relationship issues are the chum on which Jenny thrives.
She asks how he is and also unwittingly confirms the identity of the second guy Barbie was boning. She does it totally by accident but the damage is done, so Nico goes to rough Max up while everyone stands around looking scandalized. Max says he “gave her what she wanted” because Nico wouldn’t. Burn! I mean, Max is gross and you shouldn’t sleep with your friend’s exes but he did hear firsthand like fifty times how much Nico didn’t give a shit about Barbie, plus they were broken up.
A useful gif tbh.
Sofia rushes in to break up the fight and then Barbie tries to explain, saying that Max is not the most honest and Nico shouldn’t believe him, but he reveals that Jenny was the one who told him. Then he breaks up with her for sleeping with his best friend even…though….he…also…did that…..and then….lied….for….a…..whole….year. She ALSO reminds Nico that he did not give a fuck about her, but because he has a goldfish memory that can only hold on to states of emotion for fourteen seconds at a time, he apparently has no memory of any of these mitigating factors.
Like usual, Barbie takes her shit out on innocent little Sofia. Sofia feels awful because she thinks GG got the scoop by hacking her phone, but instead it comes out that Sofia told Daniel who must have told Jenny. Also he’s Gossip Girl, so. And didn’t Chuck send in the blast? Ugh I can’t even follow a plot I’ve already seen.
They have a big fight about how things are different for the Serena van der Woodsens of the world but she’s a Waldorf! Again, it’s the same song we’ve already heard. Sofia once again throws her iPhone right in the trash before stalking off, presumably as some kind of statement about being DONE with this relationship/world/blahblah. Girl, how many iPhones do you buy??? Barbie does the same thing. I don’t see what this accomplishes???
Rich people, I s2g.
(Also the camera pans over to the garbage can while it slowly, slowly, slowly closes, entrapping roughly a thousand dollars worth of technology within its garbagey confines forever.)
Barbie cries on Eleanor’s shoulder about her shitty life. Eleanor is frankly repulsed that a) her daughter would touch her and b) that her daughter is leaking on her actual skin. Barbie begs to leave Acapulco. Eleanor is probably down if it means Barbie stops leaking on her. Episode over! Wait for everything to get resolved in the first five minutes of the next episode, then probably have no bearing on anything that follows.
