recap: gossip girl acapulco, 1x09

potentially relevant links:
+ the last recap
+ links to watch
+ other links + subs



I now follow select members of the cast on Instagram. You all will be happy to know that Barbie is still adorable, Dan has an edgy haircut and primarily posts half-naked thirst trap pics, and Sofia has brown hair and lives in New York. If I ever pass her on the street, I’ll let y’all know.






Last week Dan and Vanessa shared a frosting-y smooch that Dan thought was a mistake and Vanessa thought was an all-access pass to his dick. She should take a listen to a gem that was recently reintroduced to me: Flight of the Conchords’ “A Kiss Is Not A Contract (But It’s Very Nice).”

However, Vanessa does not know this tune, so she jumps Dan in the shower.

He is very much not down for this but also pretty casual about a naked girl appearing in the shower behind him. That’s some serial killer shit, Vanessa. That would wig me out. Daniel tries to explain that he is not interested in a repeat offense (just because you’ve been exploring my mouth doesn’t mean you get to take an expedition further south, no-o-o) and Vanessa just sort of giggles and then literally drops the soap like sis is in an Oz parody.

Dan prevents her from taking the expedition further south just in time for Jenny to scream at him to hurry up, which sends Dan into a panic spiral. First he tries to muffle Vanessa’s giggles (girl please read the room!) and then settles for waiting until she’s distracted to sneak out of the shower. I hope he at least got to wash his hair.






Cut to a rockin’ pool party! Today’s installment is the equivalent of “School Lies,” which was never a particular favorite of mine aside from NB pool spooning, so whatever.

Speaking of! Barbie is bopping along to some tunes very cutely in the water when Nico lasers over to her like the shark in Jaws. The party is so sparsely attended but trying to look so full, in the true way of soaps who don’t want to pay for too many extras. I would hazard a guess that the people in the water and the people dancing are the same people just in different shots.

Nico is like “remember that time we boned?” Barbie OBVIOUSLY DOES but cannot do anything about it because Max is stalking her from across the water. She makes a rapid swimming getaway (I gotta say I love these rapid pool getaways) in Max’s direction so she can ask how long he’s planning to blackmail her. Max does not have an end date in mind. Girl, what happened to last week’s attitude?? What happened to not caring???

A random man tries to get Sofia to go to Los Angeles with him (???? but then again this would happen to Serena) while she continues to ignore Dan’s calls. She is wearing something truly hideous that it took me a good minute to figure out. It’s a passably cute JLo-style one-piece with this coverup that looks like the rags an orphan would wear in a Dickens novel. Except with a plunging neckline. Sexy Dickensian rags.

They decide to spice up the boring pool party (I mean, they do have one like every other day) by breaking into the school and stealing the bust of the founder. Everyone thinks this is the most fun. Daniel is still blowing up Sofia’s phone and Barbie (reluctantly) encourages her to make up with him if it’ll stop her from being so unhappy. So Sofia invites him to the party and Dan decides to bring shower stalker Vanessa along (…dude. have you learned NOTHING?). They are wearing very cute outfits.

Daniel also says that he and Sofia are “working on” their issues, yet they have not spoken since cotillion so I’m not sure how that constitutes “working on it.” Rufus advises Dan to swallow all of his fears, worries, and reservations about Sofia’s family. Good advice, Dad. That will definitely never backfire.

Everyone is now bopping around in their bathing suits in someone’s house. Dan says it’s “racy” so you know he has not been to many parties. Max has a martini permanently glued to his hand. He tells Vanessa that with her body, she can do a lot better than Daniel – she has some redeeming “qualities” (read: T and A?) despite being:

Vanessa: A hippie?
Barbie: A tramp?
Max: Poor.

So. There’s a lot to parse in that little exchange, isn’t there?






Daniel has not been at this party for thirty seconds and he already wants to kill someone, so he is a pissy little brat when Serena comes up to him – with about half a head more hair than I remember her having. They patch things up very quickly, though. She misses him! He misses her! She’s so sorry about her family! He says it wasn’t his place to call her grandmother an asshole (even if her grandmother is an asshole)! It’s very sweet.

Then Max ruins the moment (as he always does) by shoving the founder statue into Dan’s arms. Barbie snaps a picture which Dan wants immediately deleted. It is not deleted. Sofia comforts his impotent rich people rage by making him dance, which thankfully works. Everyone takes pictures with the statue.

Then cut to the next morning! The headmistress is waxing poetic about how great the students are at Harold’s when she stumbles upon the statue broken in two in the middle of the courtyard, right next to an incriminating cell phone piled with pictures of kids hanging out with the statue. Including Daniel. Barbie is kind of a failure at sneaky shit, huh?

So our gang gets called into her office, where she demands a culprit. They all think it’s pretty funny except for Daniel who is huffy to the extreme. The headmistress explains that she spoke to their parents – the ones she could find anyway – and also is making them write essays explaining why they broke into the school drunk. Daniel literally wants to murder all four of these idiots. This show is just an exercise in how Done he is at any given time.

Barbie and Max agree that as long as no one snitches, they’re fine. Nico has no idea what’s even going on, so no trouble on that front! Daniel does not agree with this plan at all, even as Sofia tries to reassure him that that they can’t expel everyone. This conversation happens with more zany circus music so you know that it’s hilarious & madcap. I’ll take your word for it, GGA Production Team.

They’re interviewed by the headmistress one by one. Barbie claims to be the very personification of innocence, except for that time she fucked Max, but she is totally ashamed of that!!! She goes on for a while in truly the most rapidfire Spanish I have ever had the pleasure of hearing and finishes up with, “It’s hard being a teen, you know?” I know, honey.

Also the Headmistress is wearing a crazy smoky eye with like, the nudest of all nude lips. It’s like she don’t even have a mouth. Is she going to the club right after work? She needs some tips about taking a look from day to night.

She tries to get Barbie to snitch by flattering her, but Barbie is unmoved.

Meanwhile Max makes fun of Nico for writing an adorable love letter to Barbie. Max tries to gauge how into him Barbie is and Nico is like, brah, who ya talking to? She’s into me.

Dan is on the phone with his dad, trying to calm him down while Rufus insists Dan snitch on everyone to save his skin. I felt like this plot on the original sort of backfired in that fandom response seemed to favor the idea that Dan was being a big whiny baby in their constant quest to glorify rich assholes, but the stakes are different for him. He can’t get away with the same things his classmates do, and he also can’t bounce back as easily without the money and connections.

Blah blah Lily Rufus Cece faux cancer






Over at Barbie’s everyone is wearing bikinis as they ostensibly work on their essays or study or something. It doesn’t really matter. Sofia is wearing a bikini top with a pair of high waisted white palazzo pants. I cannot deny that it is a solid look. Daniel calls her blondie, which is adorable. Everyone calls him surfer, which is also adorable. He is wearing another amazing striped top, and Barbie is wearing an amazing leopard monokini. Why did I ever wish for it to be winter when I am so cold all the time and I miss crop tops.

Barbs offers Dan a mimosa and explains that they are studying in style, unlike poor people. Daniel, again, wants to commit a quadruple homicide. Either that or he looks like he’d like to just disperse into mist to avoid having to deal with any of these people. I feel you, bro.






Dan spends this entire episode in a state of low, simmering rage (much like me, today, thanks to my uterus) which intensifies when he sees Max and Barbie flashing around the school key. He wants to snitch so bad he can taste it, but instead he pulls up a seat next to Max (who is wearing shorts, a bowtie, and a fully buttoned long sleeve top + another martini) and encourages him to come clean. This was obviously a dumb thing to do. Max just launches into another one of his I’m Rich, You’re Poor monologues, with some added stuff about how Dan has no safety net at all, whereas Max’s life is entirely made of safety nets. THEN Max has the nerve to top it off with a guilt trip: he was merely holding the key to protect all of them from getting caught, including Daniel. Yeah, ok.

Nico adorably brings Barbie the love letter, though I think I remember our Nate blatantly saying, “It’s a love letter,” when he hands it over, which Nico does not, to his detriment. Then Nico finds the school key in a drawer that is filled to the brim with cute sleeping masks, and makes a facial expression. What it means only time can tell.

Max calls Barbie a slut some more so she says he should just go tell Nico. Just tell him! Go tell Nico that you slept with his girlfriend. Max says she deserves an Oscar for faking her virginity. Barbie’s like, yeah sure, who’s he going to believe? A scoundrel or a nun?

(Also, Max: not that hard to fake your virginity. You pretty much just say “I’m a virgin” whether it’s true by one definition of virginity or not. And double also, IT MAKES NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE OH MY GOD.)

Daniel is peacing out because he’s so exhausted by this shit, and even though Sofia is trying her hardest, he doesn’t think she really gets where he’s coming from. Sofia makes a awkward face so he knows she knows something and he gets double huffy and leaves.

Blah blah Alicia and Rufus. Alicia is wearing an awesome top and looks hot.






Daniel goes to the beach to be comforted by his only poor friend, the one who ignores his personal boundaries (which never comes up again, either).

Vanessa reminds Dan of the one time they were kids and stole some candy and Dan couldn’t sleep the entire night because he felt so guilty. I love that. Dan’s weird little moral compass is one of my favorite things about him, and his series-long inability to keep from snitching on anyone because he needs to be honest and to be seen as Good is a big reason why I can never buy him as Gossip Girl. Dan can’t keep his mouth shut for thirty seconds when he knows something. Remember when Illya Winklevoss faux-married Serena and then tried to swindle her out of her money? And everyone else attempted to set up a teen sting to swindle him back but Dan just tattled to the parents at the first available opportunity? You cannot tell me he was secret Gossip Girl for nearly a decade without slipping up. That shit just doesn’t jive with his earliest characterization. Dan refusing to admit to himself or others that he wants to be a part of That World is as important to who he is as Jenny’s open desperation.

ANYWAY. After laying awake all night, Little Dan went back to the store to pay for the candy. She tells him not to waste his good qualities for the sake of these idiots. Dan has emotions about this.

Darling Nico goes in to snitch to the headmistress, fully taking the blame because he wants to protect Blair. The headmistress tells him he’s mediocre and his family has already been through so much, doesn’t he care about his future? She asks how he got the key and since Nico did not think this far, so he has no explanation ready. She knows he’s covering for someone and the whole plan goes to shit. At least he tried? Nico may not have had a plan but he did have a pla.

She calls everyone back into her office and is twice as pissed because of Nico’s lying. So she suspends Nico! Everyone is scandalized that the school is actually disciplining its students, Gossip Girl herself included.

(Sidenote: I don’t get this school’s uniforms. Our mains are in cheapo navy with pink tops for girls with pink and blue ties, then blue shirts for boys with green and blue ties. And all the extra girls are wearing weird flowy baby pink skirts. I’m so confused. And Max is wearing baby pink pants.)






Dan is stressing about this new turn of events to Sofia when Max appears, as he always does, to give Dan a hard time. Max, give it up. He’s not gonna fuck you. This is not going to end with Daniel fucking you. MOVE ON. (Also Max has a coffee mug instead of a martini, so I guess he has to be constantly drinking a liquid?? Will he die if he stops?? God willing.)

Dan gets called to the headmistress’ office and makes sad eyebrows.

Barbie finds out that Nico covered for her and SWOONS. I would too, tbh. But then she is forced to turn him down again because of the hovering threat of Max, explaining sadly that she isn’t and won’t be his girlfriend. Nico is understandably upset.

Vanessa is hanging around the school like a mega creeper just to guilt Sofia as soon as she steps out the door. She reiterates the whole spiel about how Dan has worked for everything he has, rich people are garbage, and Sofia should own up to everything for his sake. Maybe mind ya ownz, V?

OMG PRECIOUS JENNY’S FACE FOR A SPLIT SECOND WHERE HAS SHE BEEN ALL EPISODE. (The CB Subtitler also interjects “Jenny! My precious!” because we are 100% on the same page when it comes to all things Jenny Parra.)

Jenny appears again later to have a scene with Alicia and compliment her mom on being sexy and also a “hot bitch,” both of which are valid because Alicia looks amazing. None of their conversation is really relevant to anything but I like mother/daughter bonding.






Nico goes to drown his Barbie sorrows with Max, who is not a very comforting friend. Instead of saying literally anything nice, he cackles his ass off at Nico’s misfortune. He is also wearing violently primary colors, and he and Nico are drinking very full glasses of white wine like they are the Real Housewives of Acapulco. He says Nico is not the knight of shining armor, he’s the damsel. I’m not really hanging on to all the parts of that metaphor, but okay. They also heavily imply that Sofia is the owner of the key, and also a slut, lest we forget that everyone slut shames this poor girl 24/7.

The headmistress reminds Daniel of his precarious position as though he hasn’t been talking about that exact same thing for the last half hour. Then, just as he reaches Maximum Sad Eyebrows, Sofia busts in. She owns up to the whole deal. The headmistress reams her for her shitty record (“Drugs, alcohol, absences, liaisons with professors…” Uhhhh aren’t the professors to blame for that last one???). Sofia explains how that person doesn’t exist anymore and she’s different now. I always liked that speech of Serena’s. Serena’s redemption arc is my favorite, because she lifted herself out of her bad situation all on her own, with NO THANKS paid to her shitty, neglectful parents. She does not get enough credit.

Rufus talks to Vanessa about seducing his wife, because that’s appropriate.

Daniel has a boner over Sofia saving his ass and tells her she’s very brave (along with some teasing about her family name). She explains that she didn’t want to tell him because it would put him in an awkward position of having to decide whether to snitch on her or not, but also because she is DARLING. They smooch and all is well with Daniel and Sofia once again.

Rufus and Alicia have a date. I don’t care.

Daniel and Sofia pretzel together romantically on a beach and promise not to keep secrets – or Daniel does, whereas Sofia is like “sweetie you’re talking tooooo much” and kisses him so he will stop doing that.

Barbie has read Nico’s love letter and throws herself at him. Good for them!

Gossip Girl tells us she loves happy endings because they never last. Yeah, sis, I know, I watched the original.






Next week Sofia buys a pregnancy test, which will be interesting because she and Dan have not had sex yet.