So in case anyone was wondering, Lifetime's 90210 movie was hilarious.
Some amazing things that happened:
+ The show was saved from cancellation thanks to "divine intervention" which came in the shape of a literal war. An actual war breaking out ruined most of the programming schedules because everyone was reporting on AN ACTUAL WAR and this allowed Fox to counter-program with everything it had, including the as-yet-un-caught-on 90210. This was presented as a great thing that everyone was totally happy about because it kept a super important cheesy teen drama on our airwaves. An actual war.
+ REAGAN CAMEO. President REAGAN.
+ Faux Shannen was a gift. I actually think I remember her from Degrassi, where she was not a gift, so clearly it took the spirit of Shannen Doherty to bring her to glorious life. Things she did within a mere hour and a half: never got to work on time even once, almost beat the shit out of Jennie Garth, totalled a friend's car, started a bar fight and got charged with assault, hit on every man she came across, and wore a series of totally cute outfits.
+ Faux Jennie Garth looked so much like Real Jennie Garth that if someone told me Jennie had taken a time machine from 1990 to play herself in a Lifetime movie, I would believe it. Shit was FREAKY.
+ Lifetime has a long and sTORIed relationship with Tori Spelling. She appeared in a total of five Lifetime movies in just three years (amazing titles include A Friend to Die For, Awake to Danger, Co-Ed Call Girl, and of course the iconic Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?), around eight overall. True Tori, her most recent reality show post-husband cheating scandal (and also greatest reality show I have ever, in my life, seen) was on Lifetime. After this movie, she did an interview/LIE DETECTOR TEST for Lifetime. This is a serious relationship. Lifetime was not burning this bridge. What I was not prepared for was just how much they were gonna kiss Tori's ass, to the point that I wonder what fucking blackmail she must have on the Lifetime execs. In addtion to getting a much prettier girl to play Faux Tori, they constantly lavished Faux Tori with compliments about how pretty and funny she was, and also credited her with getting her dad to make the show in the first place and casting Brenda and Brandon. You guys, all this time we thought Aaron Spelling and Darren Star were the masterminds behind Beverly Hills 90210 when in actuality it was sixteen year old Tori Spelling!!!
+ In her lie detector test, Tori revealed that she fucked Jason Priestly a couple times. Just putting that out there because good for her. He used to be hot.
+ Faux Luke Perry tried his damndest to be as eye squinty and forehead wrinkly as possible, but he got nothing on the original.
+ Faux Jennie's final ascension to Supreme Bitch/First On the Call Sheet!
+ They addressed Brenda and Brandon's hardcore incest vibe! (Shannen and Jason did date irl.)
+ The montage of literally every single cast mate fucking every other cast mate.
+ The shady as hell "where are they now" paragraphs at the end. They were filled with such meangingless facts as "Luke Perry showed his dick in Oz once" and "Shannen Doherty went on to play a WITCH get it? Get it? Because she's a bitch." Obviously I am paraphrasing, but really not by much.
+ I would watch a weekly show about Faux Shannen Doherty raising hell. I hope they bring her back and do the Unauthorized Charmed Story. I hope that so much.
Some amazing things that happened:
+ The show was saved from cancellation thanks to "divine intervention" which came in the shape of a literal war. An actual war breaking out ruined most of the programming schedules because everyone was reporting on AN ACTUAL WAR and this allowed Fox to counter-program with everything it had, including the as-yet-un-caught-on 90210. This was presented as a great thing that everyone was totally happy about because it kept a super important cheesy teen drama on our airwaves. An actual war.
+ REAGAN CAMEO. President REAGAN.
+ Faux Shannen was a gift. I actually think I remember her from Degrassi, where she was not a gift, so clearly it took the spirit of Shannen Doherty to bring her to glorious life. Things she did within a mere hour and a half: never got to work on time even once, almost beat the shit out of Jennie Garth, totalled a friend's car, started a bar fight and got charged with assault, hit on every man she came across, and wore a series of totally cute outfits.
+ Faux Jennie Garth looked so much like Real Jennie Garth that if someone told me Jennie had taken a time machine from 1990 to play herself in a Lifetime movie, I would believe it. Shit was FREAKY.
+ Lifetime has a long and sTORIed relationship with Tori Spelling. She appeared in a total of five Lifetime movies in just three years (amazing titles include A Friend to Die For, Awake to Danger, Co-Ed Call Girl, and of course the iconic Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?), around eight overall. True Tori, her most recent reality show post-husband cheating scandal (and also greatest reality show I have ever, in my life, seen) was on Lifetime. After this movie, she did an interview/LIE DETECTOR TEST for Lifetime. This is a serious relationship. Lifetime was not burning this bridge. What I was not prepared for was just how much they were gonna kiss Tori's ass, to the point that I wonder what fucking blackmail she must have on the Lifetime execs. In addtion to getting a much prettier girl to play Faux Tori, they constantly lavished Faux Tori with compliments about how pretty and funny she was, and also credited her with getting her dad to make the show in the first place and casting Brenda and Brandon. You guys, all this time we thought Aaron Spelling and Darren Star were the masterminds behind Beverly Hills 90210 when in actuality it was sixteen year old Tori Spelling!!!
+ In her lie detector test, Tori revealed that she fucked Jason Priestly a couple times. Just putting that out there because good for her. He used to be hot.
+ Faux Luke Perry tried his damndest to be as eye squinty and forehead wrinkly as possible, but he got nothing on the original.
+ Faux Jennie's final ascension to Supreme Bitch/First On the Call Sheet!
+ They addressed Brenda and Brandon's hardcore incest vibe! (Shannen and Jason did date irl.)
+ The montage of literally every single cast mate fucking every other cast mate.
+ The shady as hell "where are they now" paragraphs at the end. They were filled with such meangingless facts as "Luke Perry showed his dick in Oz once" and "Shannen Doherty went on to play a WITCH get it? Get it? Because she's a bitch." Obviously I am paraphrasing, but really not by much.
+ I would watch a weekly show about Faux Shannen Doherty raising hell. I hope they bring her back and do the Unauthorized Charmed Story. I hope that so much.