recap: gossip girl acapulco, 1x08

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Before we start, I just want to complain about LJ a bit? For some reason, the formatting looks off in a lot of my posts even though it still looks totally normal in the editing boxy thing – like all my gifs & graphics are appearing to the left instead of the center. I am gonna assume it’s some dumb LJ kink that will get worked out and leave it as is for now, but I just wanted to apologize for stuff looking off! (I checked it on a few different browsers/devices so I don’t think it’s just me/Chrome.)








Today’s the day everyone gets dolled up to celebrate the debutante ball! Gossip Girl tells us all about this marvelous coming of age ritual while flashing over children we don’t know getting ready and stroking their expensive belongings. Apparently after your outfit, the next most important thing is your date! All of the gowns are going to end up hideous and three out of four of these boys are garbage. I’m in!

GG talks it up a lot, but I’m telling you right now it is a VERY underwhelming deb ball. I love this episode in the original for many reasons: Dan and Serena cuteness, Serena and Carter shit-starter giggles, Blair’s blasé “Stop, you sound like me,” Nate and Blair getting down, Chace Crawford’s arms, and Chuck getting kicked in the emotional balls so hard he had to put on a red turtleneck and flee into the night. Now, don’t get unexcited: this is an episode of EXTREME GEMS and also TINY BABY TURTLES. But my classic fave moments are not in any way reproduced, which is a little sad.

Barbie and Sofia have their daily breakfast by a luxurious vista (chug chug chug!) and Barbie pats herself on the back for trading Nico out for Poncho Diaz-Navarro. Poncho Diaz-Navarro is the possessor of a truly fun name to say, and he is also our Carter Baizen. I am sorry to tell you that he is not that cute (I couldn’t get a good cap of him because he was smarming too hard in every shot, but he looks like a busted up Freddie Prinze Jr.) and that he kind of sucks in general. The Winter Solider, he is not. Barbie looooves how unpredictable he is, nothing at all like Nico, who totally predictably boned her best friend, lied about it for a year, fell out of love with her, got engaged to her, broke up with her, fell back in love with her, and lost all his money. She definitely saw all of that coming.

They talk about how no one has seen PonchoCarter (trustafarian Carter would rock a poncho) in YEARS and I’m reminded again that Carter is kind of creepily, pervily older than them. I don’t remember if they ever dropped an EXACT age for him on our show, but SebStan is like five years older than Blake, so I assumed Carter was four or five years older than the rest of them. So when he was dating 14/15 year old Serena he was 18 or 19. Which is GROSS. Yet I still ship it? I’m gross.

It’s sort of killing two birds with one stone for Carter to be Blair’s date for cotillion, even though thinking about it within the context of NYC GG canon makes it feel totally weird. His poker stuff with Nate comes later, when Nico is a lot more cash-desperate, and this is a fair enough way to introduce him, especially considering Carter’s characterization was about as elastic as could be. I don’t think his past with Serena comes up as much in this series (I could be wrong, but I don’t really remember it; Poncho is even less of a character than Carter was tbh), but still. I feel weird about it a little. I vaguely fanon-dig the idea of Carter and Blair, but it’s weird.

(I keep going on tangents about Carter, which I don’t mean to do. It’s just funny because he’s kind of a nonentity in canon but I have developed such a rich and detailed backstory for him for my own purposes that I keep getting confused, lol. Like, what is canon and what is my made-up nonsense?? He is basically my OC with Seb’s face at this point.)

Barbie talks about how Poncho will be the hottest guy at the party – nay, in Acapulco! Nay, IN THE WORLD! While flashing around a glamour shot of him on her phone. God bless.






Sadly breakfast has to tie up because Sofia has a date with Daniel! In a secret location! She asks what she should wear and Barbie legit says, “I don’t know. I’ve never mingled with commoners.”

Sis, let she who has not fucked Chuck Bass cast the first stone, okay?

Barbie is kind of on fire this episode, though. Eventually she’s just like, idk, peasant clothes? Shorts? T-shirts? And Sofia is cute so she actually finds that helpful. I love these girls I want to kiss them right on their faces.

Jenny and Nico are gabbing on the phone like true gal pals. Jenny cannot believe that he isn’t going to the ball! He says there is ~nothing there for him but then he’s confused a second later when he’s not listed as Barbie’s date. Bro, make a choice. Jenny informs him that Barbie is going with someone else while doing a little victory dance and ultra-casually offering to be Nico’s date in a way that makes it seem like she’s not offering at all. But Nico has to go because Max is calling him. Jenny is disappoint. I gotta say, Jenny’s major & consistent boner for Nico is adorable.






Now. In this scene with Nico and Max. They are outside, presumably poolside. Nico is practically naked in just his swimmies. And Max. Max is wearing a button-up, sunnies, micro-mini short shorts, and a FUCKING KNIT SCARF. Look at that shit. Dude. Dude. What is that. Are his nips freezing but his thighs are on fire? What is the form or function of this look?

Poncho is regaling Max and Nico with his totally cool travelogue and Max is already scoffing and pretending to get Poncho’s name wrong while Nico hides his semi.

Allison (Alicia!) comes in to tease Jenny about talking to a boy, and then warn her that handsome boys are the most dangerous. Jenny asks her mom’s opinion on a fart of orange on her sketch pad that is supposed to be a dress, insults her mom’s look, and then tells her she needs a makeover BECAUSE, and this is real, if she wants to win over Rufus she should look as hot as she did when they first met. Jesus Christmas teenagers at the fucking worst. And this poor woman just laughs and goes along with it because she wants to be a nice mom whose kids like her, and I guess all the Parras forgot that they’re mad at Jenny for being a lying liar who lies.

They decide to go shopping! With whose money, may I ask?

Barbie and Eric try to help Sofia get dressed while Barbie comes up with nightmare poor people date scenarios. Sofia is blithely getting undressed, which is when her mom and grandma enter, and Cece is SCANDALIZED. How dare a girl change pants in the same room as her friend and sibling??????

She’s in her own room, for crying out loud. Y’ALL DIDN’T EVEN KNOCK.

Ceci compliments Barbie on being well dressed and not looking like a BEGGAR, like SOME PEOPLE’S GRANDDAUGHTERS.

Max, Nico, and Poncho hanging out poolside looks like the start of some gay porn. You know how there’s always the awkward tryhard intro part before the dicks appear? That’s what’s happening right now: it is the moment before the dicks appear. Dan sashays up to join the orgy I guess, wearing the MOST ADORABLE striped top, and we all know how I feel about Dan in striped tops.






Max makes some more poor people jokes (Jesus, what is up with them this episode?) and Nico prances off to do the cutest lil handshake with Daniel (giffed above!), who is returning Nico’s algebra book. Aw, they share textbooks! Nico definitely cannot do algebra. He should be borrowing Dan’s notes if anything.

Nico introduces him to Poncho and invites him to stay but he has his date. Max pees in a circle around Nico and barks at Daniel, who is just like, “Okay? Never change. Bye.” I genuinely think Max’s relentless unpleasantness with Dan is just a long con to try and fuck him.

Speaking of trying to fuck boys you know, Max asks if Nico is officially moving in with him / if sex is on. Damn, you put a handful of hot naked men by a pool and suddenly shit gets gayer than the Pride parade.

Max tries to talk to Nico about his feelings but Nico just gestures sadly with his algebra book. Max is like OH you’d rather talk to PONCHO, I SEE HOW IT IS ahahah I’M KIDDING I’M NOT JEALOUS AT ALL. Then Nico wonders about Barbie’s date and Max, much like myself, just rolls his eyes and huffs off.

Sofia explains to Ceci that she isn’t going to the deb ball because her boyfriend doesn’t like high society stuff and she doesn’t want to go without him. Ceci says it’s fine! Listen to your heart! No one buys this, but before they can really delve into it, Dan arrives to meet Ceci, who makes a truly hilarious face when she hears his last name:






Sofia peer pressures Dan into shitting on the bourgeoisie and Ceci is like “wow aren’t other people’s opinions so nice” through clenched teeth. She waits until they are just barely out of earshot to announce her cancer to Lily, who was being kind of hilariously Over Her Mom in all the scenes prior. Sofia of course overhears and cries her signature single tear. My poor girl! I think it’s better having Sofia overhear – from what I remember, Serena didn’t ever know?

Goddamn Ceci is like, “All these long years of life……. Organizing a debutante ball….. And to think I, dying here of a totally real and fatal disease, may not see my own flesh and blood trussed up and paraded around in front of a crowd! But such is life, I am not at all bitter, we all must follow our hearts!”

My little angelic Sofia weeps and agrees to go to the ball and Ceci tries really hard not to make a Lucille Bluth face.






Poncho and Nico cruise around and flirt. Poncho talks about making his own money and being free from your parents and other things that give Nico an erection. He tries to get Nico to pawn his grandfather’s watch for cash and Nico feels vaguely bad. And in a glorious bit of foreshadowing, who should be in the next car eyeballing Nico! Why, it is the Duchess of course! Here she is Lucila, and not a duchess, just a creepy woman who will pay a teenage boy to fuck her in a few episodes’ time.

She literally says “my, look how you’ve grown!” and Poncho makes a growly little tiger noise in the background and then starts giggling. Okay, Poncho’s not all bad.

Nico does not know how to feel about this. Like, into it? But not? Whatever, please drop him at Barbie’s house! Poncho pretends not to know who that is. Amaze.

Barbie is literally gliding over her pool on a floatie like the fucking Lady of Shalott done to the nines. And then she’s all, “Oh, Nico, is that you? I had no idea, floating here looking so perfect.”

Nico is DROOLING, this fucking boy, I can’t.

Barbie senses it and asks what his fucking deal is, and then they giggle about their childhood plans for the ball. He asks who her date is and she, very blithely, says he is. She’ll cancel her date, but only for him. Well, that was easy. All Nico had to do was exist and look vaguely interested in her. At least Natie laid down that Archibald charm.

They they make out! Okay, sure.

Jenny meanwhile is berating her mother for being cheap. Alicia is at the end of her rope. She tries to explain not being superficial to Jenny, who pretends to not understand Spanish suddenly I don’t know.






Then Liliana shows up and Jenny slobbers all over her like a dog. She says that she did her mom’s hair based on one of Lily’s looks and you truly see Alicia vomit a little in her mouth. Jenny, you just found out your dad and Lily used to fuck. Why do you hate your mom this much. SHE IS TRYING TO BE A GOOD MOM TO YOU.

Lily thanks Alicia for signing Jenny’s debutante permission slip, but Alicia explains that she did not and she will not and they are GOING and also Jenny is double grounded. Jenny pulls some Blair shit on her mom, she just tries to flat-out gaslight her into thinking she signed it when she did not. Alicia is not fooled.

Ceci goes to menace Rufus blahblah I CANNOT CARE ABOUT RUFUS EVEN IF AFFECTS THE PLOT. She flashes a check in his face so Dan will disappear and Rufus starts planning Daniel and Sofia’s wedding in his head. Hilarious music plays in the background of this whole scene, it’s like circus music or something. Blackmail is so jazzy!






Jenny tries on a sexy dress and her mom creeps up out of nowhere like moms sometimes do. Jenny says she’ll return it. Alicia is like, yeah, you will. WE ARE POOR. She explains that she is trying to be a mother unlike those rich asshole non-parents and also Jenny is only fifteen, so find a chill. Jenny loses her mind. When she finds out Dan is MIA she’s extra pissed, but tbh I don’t think this is a case of parental double standards (which I think Dan and Jenny totally suffered from in ours btw). Daniel is eighteen and Jenny is fifteen; it is pretty reasonable to me that they have different rules. Alicia says she doesn’t owe Jenny any explanations, and to come in to dinner. Jenny screams NO QUIERO PIZZA and Alicia screams back that she can just stay in her room alone then!!! Ah, family.

Jenny grabs her purse and walks straight out of her room into the night, because her room is probably a set on a lot with three walls, so she can do that.






Daniel has brought Sofia on a very special date with – guess who – Vanessa! They are looking at teeny tiny adorable baby turtles on the beach, but Sofia is just sort of flopping her turtle around morosely.

Vanessa huffs and puffs at Sofia until she hears that Ceci has cancer, which is when she makes that face you make when you want to be an asshole still but you can’t. It’s pretty great. I love this bitch now. I mean, she hates rich people and she wants to fuck Dan. That’s pretty much my day to day M.O.






Sofia asks Dan to go to the ball and he’s like “of course, babe” and they smooch and Vanessa sighs internally while externally saying, “I’ll help too!” Then they put baby turtles in the sea. Not a sentence I expected to type in my lifetime, especially as a followup to a dramatic cancer reveal.

Jenny shows up at the ball (p.s. it’s a BALL and yet all the girls are wearing cocktail dresses????), having walked out of the nonexistent fourth wall in her room. She and Eric do vague organizational tasks. Jenny is pissy when she sees Nico and Barbie walk in together. The show pretends like Eric is hitting on Jenny as he urges her to move on from Nico but really he has Asher Hornsby on the DL.

Nico pops over to kiss Jenny on the cheek and it’s cute.

Poncho calls Barbie “sexy” and compliments her a lot and says he’s sorry she’s not his date anymore. He lays it on so thick but I really like listening to people compliment Blair, so I’m down with it. However, it distracts Nico away from Jenny, who is understandably displeased.

Sofia and Daniel show up and Ceci immediately steals him away (calling him Sofia’s “frog”) to get a drink. Sofia says not to start the shots without her! I would LOVE to see Dan and Ceci throwing back shots together. Remember how Penn and Caroline Lagerfelt had really creepy chemistry? What was up with that.

Max is drinking alcohol from what looks like a medium-sized bowl on a stem. I need one of those. I have to say, I kind of miss Chuck’s manipulating of Nate and ultimately Blair to his own ends. Like, that was pretty fun, am I wrong? Nate is such a puppy that watching him run in circles was adorable, and I also love that it backfired on Chuck about as hard as it could have. I think the “scheming” on the show was sort of wildly overblown but it was really fun in the cotillion episode.

Barbie has been really hilariously quippy this entire episode. She snarks a bunch of hilarious stuff at Max about how much he sucks, and also calls Nico the love of her life. Max wonders what she’ll do when Nico finds out she’s not a virgin. Barbie says she doesn’t need to give anyone explanations. And based on the way she looks? Nico won’t need any either.

BARBIE OUT. Ever hear about the purity myth, Maximiliano?????

Sofia pops up to remind them that Nico is Barbie’s BOYFRIEND and Max’s BEST FRIEND so maybe stop smarming around? GG voiceovers about Max losing his heart, but the Subtitler and I agree once again: apparently this happened offscreen, cause we ain’t seeing it here. He doesn’t even make a sad constipated face when Barb and Nico run off together later. Max and Barbie definitely don’t read as True Love at this point (I don’t know if they’re even sleeping together on the regular? And she’s very obviously still in love with Nico), but then again neither did Chuck and Blair in the early stages of their relationship. Though I guess by the point of cotillion, Chuck was in love with Blair even though she wasn’t quite there yet. Hmmmmmm. Well, the lamer CB are, the better as far as I’m concerned.

Dan and Ceci knock back some truly gigantic cocktails and she gives him that amazing speech Cece gave Dan about how that feeling of never fitting in won’t ever go away. God that was so good. I loved that.

She also says Daniel is low class and a novelty. He thinks he and Sofia have an eternal forever love. Agree to disagree, I guess!

Rufus and Alicia show up to collect their children and bitch about how much they hate rich people. Rufus basically calls Alicia a homewrecker and she is like UM WHO TOOK OUR KIDS AND LEFT AND THEN BLEW ALL OUR MONEY ON A FAILING HOTEL? Fuckin RIGHT.

Sofia appears just at the most horrible Dan/Ceci moment. Ceci leaves and Dan makes a million adorable, reluctant wince faces before admitting that Ceci was rude to him and also is an asshole. Or, sorry, “the snobbiest, most hypocritical woman I’ve ever met.” [Abort, Daniel, abort! says the Subtitler.] Sofia stares at him. That is HER GRANDMOTHER who is DYING OF CANCER. Daniel is like yes, sure, true, BUT SHE IS SO MANIPULATIVE. Sofia’s eyes are like bugging out of her head. She asks if he’s drunk and he’s like “maaaaaybe just thiiiiiink about the fact that your grandmother MADE UP HER CANCER TO GET YOU TO GO TO A DANCE.” The Subtitler is dropping so many hilarious comments in this scene, but despite their good work, the damage is done.




You know, if a boy I liked told me my grandmother had made up cancer to get me to a dance – well, okay, that’s a bad example, because my living grandmother is actually the kind of woman who might do that, buuuut in another family, like, that would be ABSURD. And yet.

Isn’t it weird that both Cece and Lily had fake cancer? Except Cece had secret real cancer? Like, what?

DAN OUT. Sofia has no date. Luckily Pancho is here anyway for some reason! Jeez, Sofia and Daniel break up nearly once an episode.

Dan hops into Rufus’ car. Rufus literally calls Jenny “the black sheep of the family” and tells Dan to go be with Sofia. But Jenny has to come home. Okay, like. ALICIA is being a reasonable parent. Rufus is being a fucking petty shit-stirring bitter little bitch. Rufus is just sabotaging his own marriage while trying to fix his past vicariously through his son and it’s GROSS. (That said, have I ever mentioned that I kind of have feelings about Allison-Rufus-Lily as a parallel to Serena-Dan-Blair? I only care about parents when it’s self-serving.)

Daniel plans to go back to apologize for insinuating Sofia’s grandmother is fake dying, but spoiler alert: he never actually manages to do that.

Barbie and Nico are ~announced! They giggle about how they waited so long for this moment and it was over in a flash. Nico wishes it lasted longer! Barbie thinks that’s the nicest thing he ever said to her! It’s really cute. They kiss a bunch and Barbie’s like, hey, remember how we never had sex? Wanna do that?

Something I did not realize until I was taking screencaps is that Max is standing like three feet away in the background the ENTIRE time they flirt and kiss. But he’s totally blurry and the camera never even goes to him for a reaction shot, which is hilarious. Neither Barbie nor Nico seem aware that he is there.






Also Sofia’s little card thingie that they read aloud says she wants to study communication and get a degree in media and get her master’s outside of the country! What an absolute ANGEL. Barbie’s was just some bullshit about wanting to go traveling with her husband. Look at my little Sofia have dreams! Sadly there are no lines about bedding billionaires.






My darling little Daniel runs up, takes Max’s gigantic drink out of his hand without asking, and downs it. DARLING. Max is turned on, and I am too tbh. Max makes some more poor people cracks (because who doesn't love those constantly, all the time?) and says Daniel is practically a chauffeur. If Max/Chuck wasn’t gross, I would think his relationship with Daniel was pretty cute, lol. Like, that was a nice, comfortable bit of physicality.

(I was talking about this show with a friend recently, and we both agreed that we’d probably enjoy Max if we hadn’t experienced Chuck first. Max is kind of a run of the mill high school asshole, as opposed to Chuck who is the son of Lucifer himself.)

Jenny wonders why Dan didn’t escort Sofia and he blahblahs about how they have no place in this world even though his dumb father already gave him a pep talk about this. He goes to drag Jenny away because she snuck out of the house and I am DONE WITH THIS. Let Jenny LIVE for Christ’s sake.

He warns her about their parents and fucks off again. Wait, did Max make him change his mind? I’m confused. Daniel just came back to scam on Max’s drink and be rude to his sister. Wtf.

Bart shows up for exactly thirty seconds just to shit on Max’s whole life. I respect this man.

A girl tells Jenny about how Barbie and Nico are totally going to fuck and Jenny acts like an amazing over-it bitch about the whole thing. I respect this girl also.

Alicia shows up to shit on Lily’s whole life and cause a huge scene. Jenny piddles a little and runs off to do damage control. Ceci is pissy. Alicia cries. Yadda yadda. Rufus dramatically hands over Ceci’s bribery check just in time for Sofia to see and realize that her grandmother IS an asshole. Ceci, amazingly, tries to play it off like Daniel asked for a loan.






Barbie and Nico get DOWN. Our dear friend the Subtitler helpfully sticks this caption on their smooching: [It’s toooo laaaateeeee to apologiiiizeeeeee…]

It’s not as full on as Babs and Max but it’s very soft focus romantic. Afterwards they get the scene I wish we had gotten, of Nate and Blair being super precious lying in bed together. Nico calls her “mi amor” and says she’s changed, she wasn’t up his ass like usual. He says she seems freer. They talk about Poncho which is…interesting post-coital chatter, Nico. Barbie bedroom eyes him some more and it’s cute.

I have to say, the ~Blair is different because she’s getting the D~ thing was done much better in ours? Blair ignored Nate while he was talking and being a perfect Ken doll! She liked it when he punched other guys! She wore jeans! She definitely felt like a lighter, happier Blair that episode, whereas Barbie is really just Barbie. I also think that even though Blair ending up sleeping with Nate, she was still kind of holding herself in reserve with him (the whole “we’ll go AS FRIENDS” thing) but Barbie is 100% wholeheartedly SEEYA MAX I’M READY TO BE MRS. DE LA VEGA.

Dan shows up back at the loft without having made amends with Sofia. He and Vanessa drink beer and he tells her she was right. Vanessa decides to be right some more and points out that he is a big hypocrite who criticizes Jenny for trying to fit in when he’s doing the same thing. Dan is like, well, shit.

He makes fun of her baking (why was Vanessa baking a huge cake alone on deb night?) and smears frosting on her nose, which is the international movie sign for LET’S FUCK. They don’t fuck, but he does tenderly wipe frosting off her nose while cupping her face in his very large hand. Then he LICKS HIS FINGER. Buddy. That is a little too seductive. He keeps hotly getting into people’s personal space this episode.






Vanessa must agree because she pounces on him. SMOOCHING. It’s pretty hot. Jenny sees them and videos it and guess what? It literally never comes up again. I’m serious. That is how the episode dramatically ends, and it never comes up again in seventeen more episodes. NEVER. N E V E R.

Next week: Vanessa jumps Dan in the shower! No, I am not kidding.