recap: gossip girl acapulco, 1x07

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Unfortunately in my last recap I oversold this episode as THE FLASHBACK ONE because I honestly thought I remembered a BUNCH of flashbacks?? But tragically there is only one at the very beginning. This still functions essentially as 1x09, except instead of Thanksgiving it's Rich People Take Pictures For Mexico's Most Prominent Magazine Day.

So here is our lone flashback: one year ago, a fancy event space, presumably the Annual Rich People Take Pictures For Mexico's Most Prominent Magazine brunch or something. I am not 100% sure. Liliana is flashing around an engagement ring and a new man. Someone asks where Sofia is and Lily makes a face like she knows Sofia is probably in a crack den somewhere but she'd much rather talk about her pretty ring.








Sofia is not in a crack den; she's just in the bathroom. But she is most certainly high as a kite. Barbie is hustling around trying to get Sofia to take an aspirin and drink some water, but Sofia is staring at herself in the mirror with extreme exhaustion. "Seriously, Sofia?" she says to herself, which I find very sweet and very sad. She can't believe the shit she gets up to either.

Sofia's drunk acting does not have half the bon vivant charm of Blake's drunk acting, but there is one really great moment when you hear Sofia offscreen going, "Caaaaanaaaapééés!!!!!!"

I hope someone gave her a canapé.

Lily is pissed about High Sofia but like, whatever lady, you're the worst mom on earth. High Sofia starts clanging her fork against a glass loud enough to wake the dead and launches into an amazing speech wherein she forgets her new stepfather's name (Huberto? No, wait, that was the last one!) and very nearly falls into a drunken heap on the ground. Everyone looks uncomfortable and Lily squeezes out a few crocodile tears but I have NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU, LILY.

Present day! Sober Sofia flirts with her hotass boyfriend over the phone wearing more mascara than I even own (I own so much mascara) even though she just woke up, like, seconds ago. He invites her to breakfast but instead she exposits about the Very Important Event Of The Day. Sofia has been fucking this event up for years and she is determined to be good this year, to make up for embarrassing her mom so much in the past. Oh, honey. LILY SHOULD BE MAKING IT UP TO YOU.








Barbie is getting ready too, wearing what can only be described as a magenta silk smock, because it is too short to really be a muumuu. This is perfectly in character based on that one fuckin' hideous blue silk muumuu Blair insisted upon wearing when she was dating Dan, which was the bane of my existence. It was essentially a circus tent and Blair wore so many cute nighties, so how did that even happen. Like, how am I supposed to enjoy screencaps of their bedroom scenes when Blair is wearing the Big Top about her person and Dan looked like he was wearing a helmet that looked like his hair?








Barbie has chosen an equestrian theme for her family photo, because Acapulco Harold loves polo, but I think it's really because this show read my mind and gave me the Equestrian Waspy Betty Draper Blair I have always wanted. Poor Barbie seems kind of primed for disappointment already, poor thing. No one has heard from Harold but Barbie is going to power through with sheer force of Waldorfian delusion.

Max wakes up in a pile of naked girls, presumably as per usual, and finds a note from his father reminding him not to be a total fuck up. Too late, buddy.

Over at the Hotel Boca Chica, Vanessa is still bitter about Sofia knocking her into the ocean that one time, and it's pretty amusing. Never forget her dramatic clutching of her faux surfing injury; I should go back and gif it. Dan mentions the photoshoot and precious Jenny literally gasps like she's been shot. She wants to be in that magazine! The most important families in Mexico are in it!!!








"I think you mean the worst families," says Vanessa, and I know I talked her up as The Worst but you guys. I am kind of loving her on the second go around. I mean, they ARE the worst. She has not been wrong yet. Except for when she flounced on such a hot piece. But she's trying to make up for that! We all make mistakes. I am becoming a Vanessa apologist. (But god as my witness, I will never ship her with Dan.)

Allison is confused by this change in her daughter, but Jenny explains YET AGAIN that they chose to send her to a fancy school so now she has fancy problems. Reap the consequences of your decisions, Parras. Dan and Jenny start shit with each other in a cute, bickery, TV sibling kind of way that I adore. Sometimes I really miss Dan and Jenny's relationship, as it always appealed me me more than Serena and Eric's, and there really was a shortage of sibling stuff on the show with all those rich only children.

Anyway, Dan and Jenny snipe at each other until she gets fed up and goes TÚ ERES UN LOSER and peaces out.

I actually deeply love NYC Allison mostly because I love that actress (she shows up on everything, but she is particularly delightful on The Americans) but Acapulco Allison is kind of light on the personality. Similar to Acapulco Eleanor, she very much lacks warmth, which is slightly more out of place here, because Allison is supposed to be very Normal Mom (or so I always thought). I also always found it amusing that the more pleasant parents on our show were the out of town ones. Like, Harold and Allison had their issues (abandonment much?) but they were so sweet when they were around. I was always sad my girl Allison never made a repeat appearance. Like when her son had a FAUX BABY or PUBLISHED A NOVEL. I guess she was at least there for Jenny offscreen when she descended into Bad Girl Eyeliner.

I'm rambling, so let's check in at the de la Vega crack house, where Acapulco Anne is paying for the photoshoot suits that this family definitely cannot afford right now. Nico kind of eyeballs his parents from the background like he is aware that they cannot afford to buy expensive suits, but he is too Archibald-y to say anything about it yet. El Capitán's lawyer calls and drops them as clients because poverty, or something, I find it really hard to hang on during extended parents scenes like this one. Basically everything is falling apart for these people and El Capitán does not help matters one bit. He keeps saying coked up shit like I AM UNTOUCHABLE and run of the mill asshole shit like DO YOU KNOW WHOSE SON-IN-LAW I AM? He spends this entire episode throwing hissy fit after hissy fit.

Adorable Sofia tells her mother, "This'll be the first time I don't need to read the article to find out what I said," and they congratulate each other on turning into a normal family. I, meanwhile, feel both very sad for little Sofia and very proud of her for turning herself around with exactly zero help from either of her parents. Just at this moment of mother-daughter pleasantry, Lily drops the news that Bart and Max will be sharing the photo with them. Eric and Sofia are PISSED. Sofia lays into her mom and it is amazing. I love when she calls this lady on her shit.

She says Lily just started being a mom and now she wants to be a wife again? Keep in mind that just a year ago Lily was freshly engaged and is already ready to do it again. Sofia says Lily must really hate being alone and then exits dramatically, with Eric following after a slightly pathetic "yeah, all those things she said!" Faced with her own failures as a person, Lily thinks deeply about how much she sucks and decides not to include the Zagas in the picture. THANK.

Barbie is stamping around like a tiny dictator wondering where the hell her horses are! And also her dad! She finally has to give the family interview BY HERSELF, sitting there all fake happy in her little helmet. She says the Fuenmayor motto is "family first," and we all feel the irony of the statement very deeply.

Bart drops some mean rich dad platitudes and snaps at Max for daring to touch him on the shoulder. I'm with him, to be honest, who knows where the hell Max has been. Bart basically sucks all the fun out of this, posing for exactly two photos and handing in a prepared statement instead of sitting for an interview. Max makes pathetic, unloved faces. Once again, I have no sympathy.

The interviewer, who was just at Barbie's two seconds ago, has teleported into the López-Haro living room to compliment Lily on how great she is and how she did it all without a man while Sofia makes sarcastic comments and shoots laser murder eyes at everyone. Sofia makes a crack about how you'd need to take a panorama shot to get all her stepfathers in the family photo and Lily slaps her. Lily seems very surprised by it but Sofia is less so – she's more fed up. She tells Lily to marry Bart and disappear from her life again. She says it in very rapid, very angry Spanish. Lily tries to play it off but I think one lucky interviewer just got the scoop of the day!








Acapulco Harold is obviously not coming, but Barbie doesn't want to believe it. He wouldn't do this to her! She's waiting for him! Right after this, literally at the last possible second before they start taking pictures, Leonora finally swans in all, oh, you didn't know? I disinvited your father because I don't need photographic evidence of his gay. Remember how great that whole "he was my Harold" scene was? Yeah, this ain't that.

Barbie insists the gay thing is a phase but Leonora, fanning herself violently for some reason, says that it is not; also please take off that riding outfit and change into a Fuenmayor original. Sister is COLD AS ICE.

But seriously, remember how great it was that Eleanor pulled a sneaky Blair maneuver in disinviting Harold and then lashed out at her daughter but it was all to cover her deep emotional pain and vulnerability? Man, Eleanor and Blair were of a type, and it was so well done. But Leonora is just a scary ice woman. I mean, the fact that she offered up that info without a hint of guile should tell you enough.

Over at the de la Vegas, people arrive to seize all of their belongings while El Capitán yells and stamps his feet like an angry, ineffectual baby. The interviewer arrives just in time to see all their shit scattered about the lawn and is like "aight, cancel this interview" even though SURELY this would also be an amazing scoop? Does this guy know that this show is called Gossip Girl? Why is he giving away all the good gossip?

For whatever reason, cough cough plot, he chooses the Parras as the replacement family! Apparently the interviewer and Rufus and Allison are old pals! Jenny practically piddles in excitement. Rufus is as confused as I am (he's all "but we're poor??") but the interviewer calls him a 90s musical icon so I guess he wanted Rufus' D back in the day or something.

Also: Allison was a backup singer for Rufus! HEADCANON ACCEPTED.

Rufus turns the guy down about a hundred times until Jenny has a straight-up nervous breakdown and storms off into the night. Allison points out that this would be great press for their failing hotel and that she's gonna do it whether he agrees or not, so he agrees. I assume we're supposed to think she's a bitch but, like, Rufus is always cutting off his nose to spite his face, so I don't blame her.

Lily finds Serena sulking in front of ANOTHER GODDAMN VISTA. She claims that she's trying but Sofia isn't buying it. Lily is like: I know it seems like I'm a bad mom, but – And Sofia cuts her off. It doesn't seem that way. It is that way. GO, SOFIA.

Lily promises she and Bart are casual and that she only made it public so she wouldn't have to lie to Sofia. Sofia is an angel so she apologizes for embarrassing Lily yet again but I am annoyed. Lily SLAPPED her. Even if it was an impulse that she regretted, that's fucked up! And she is still a terrible mom! And she is STILL picking men over her children!

Our show did this too. I always felt like we were supposed to think Lily had changed as much as Serena had – that Serena's leaving changed everything for her entire family. Except Lily was the same asshole as ever.

Vanessa does her "don't lose yourself in that world" spiel except to Jenny this time, but nothing can crush Jenny's spirit on this the holiest of days. Eventually even Vanessa gives in because Jenny is just so adorable. Jenny darts off to do her interview – ALONE, cue the ominous music – and then they have the photoshoot, where everyone looks awkward except for Jenny, who is serving Beyoncé in Destiny's Child realness. Dan makes cringing faces the whole time like a little kid who has to eat their vegetables. Vanessa makes fun of him cutely from the sidelines.








Now that all the interviewing is over it's time for a fancy dinner! Opposed to the event at the beginning, which was packed, there are like two people here. Nothing says opulent wealth and luxury like not being able to pay enough extras to make your scene look busy!

(There's some cute, weird background conversation that runs the length of the event wherein Barbie is insisting to Sofia that mermaids are real because she saw a documentary about it and read it on the internet, and Sofia is amusingly skeptical. I am not sure what the point of this is, lol, but it's there.)

Also, I thought Barbie and Sof were fighting?? Last episode they snarked over Barbie and Chuck, but that doesn't come up once in this episode. Also, in the original after their Chuck-related you're-a-slut fight, they made up because of Blair relapsing, but spoiler alert: when Barbie relapses, it's not Sofia who comes to her aid.

The Parras arrive, inciting visible disgust in all the rich people except for Sofia, who immediately climbs Dan like a tree. Vanessa's eyeroll would make Liz Lemon proud. When Dan points out the obvious contempt emanating from the other side of the empty field, Sofia wonders when he started caring what the rich kids think. "When he started dating one," Vanessa snarks and, god, the bitchiness between them is amazing. Sofia is immediately snarling and rending the air with her talons, all YOU KNOW THIS IS ONLY FOR THE FAMILIES, RIGHT, BITCH?

But Vanessa just sashays away.

Blah blah Allison Rufus Lily drama. Apparently Allison didn't want to move to Acapulco for specifically this reason! That's weird, considering Rufus and Lily hadn't spoken in years!

Back on skid row, Acapulco Anne is worried about what the neighbors think. Nico gently tries to explain that real shit is happening now, his father and her husband is the worst man on earth, and all their furniture getting repossessed is not "a misunderstanding." Annie isn't really getting it. El Capitán pretends like he's got everything under control while also yelling impotently at all the help, and somehow this convinces Anne that everything is fine. She gives Nico a "see??" kind of look but he's like, "Um, they even took my BED, why am I the ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT ALL THIS?????" El Capitán's main priority is keeping up appearances and getting back into the photoshoot, because that will somehow erase all the embezzlement. Nico thinks they have bigger fish to fry and I agree.










Max sleazes up on Sofia about incest some more and Dan doesn't even say anything. He is fully sleeping with his eyes open. He is watching a movie in his head instead of paying a lick of attention to any of his surroundings. Barbie tells Max to put aside his Bertolucci fantasies (shout out to The Dreamers???) and grumbles about Jenny being here, which is when Dan rouses himself to protest. Barbie tells Sofia to put a bell on her surfer boy because he's so invisible she forgets he's there. Bless. The cuteness of that is somewhat ruined by Barbie and Max smirking at each other over this totally sick burn. YAWN. Fucker always smarming his way into my low-grade early seasons DB.

The Interviewer appears with an old school picture of Lily and Rufus kissing while Allison looks awkward in the background. He thinks this is a good idea to show to Rufus and his wife, and then for some reason makes all three of them take a picture together even though Allison is near visibly gagging.

All the kids have a meltdown about how their parents fucked in the "90s" and by "90s" I think everyone means "mid-to-late 80s" because ALL OF YOU WERE BORN IN 1990 OR 1991 and also we don't know the length of time the fucking was going on for.

Group photo time! No one is happy about it, and they're a lot less happy when El Capitán de Cocaine busts in with his wife and sullen child in tow. The Interviewer tries to send them away but it's nothing doing; Max suggest they send the poor people away instead, and Barbie seconds it. Leonora is like: you're prettier when you don't talk, honey.

Eventually the nouveau pauvre go away, the old poor remain, and they take that awkward group shot together.








Next day! Everyone is perusing the article, which has record turnaround time. This is like an episode of Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp with how quick the journalism is. The Subtitler helpfully tells us that: "[The article about Max is about how he's a failure and his dad hates him, basically.]" So…it's accurate, then. The Parras are on the COVER, with Jenyoncé in all her glory. I wonder how they landed the cover when Lily slapping her child in full view of everyone seems like a much better lead-in. Or, you know, the de la Vegas losing their money and their house.

Whatever! What do I know.








Barbie is rereading her article sadly. If she had the horses, she would have looked like a princess. Dora says she already is one, but Barbie's sadness is not assuaged and she rejects Dora's offer to talk it out. There is a bevy of baked goods on the table for some reason so Barbie dives in, and I know this is insensitive, but she doesn't even eat it so much as smush it all over her face for no discernible reason.

The de la Vegas move into Grandfather's fancy abode (or at least a Grandfather-sponsored hotel, it's hard to tell) and Gramps angrily throws a paper at El Capitán that has INVESTIGATED FOR FRAUD splashed all over it.

Sobbing, Barbie purges. She doesn't call Sofia – she doesn't call anyone, actually – but somehow Max magically appears. Dora waves him on into Barbie's bathroom, so I assume she called him? Either way, there you have it: the scene that was in literally every single Chuck and Blair fic from 2007 up until this day, probably, if anyone is still bothering to write Chuck and Blair fic.








The Parras are having a fun BBQ (outside for once) and Sofia appears to show off the magazine, but she gets inexplicably shy when she sees Dan with Vanessa, so she just leaves the magazine there on the ground and leaves. Uh, no note? Is he supposed to know she left it there? Did she just litter?

The Parras realize that Jenny's interview was apparently FULL OF LIES. Cue ominous music. Jenny told The Interviewer that Rufus spoils them and that they're Italian and that they summer here and winter there and that she sometimes has to tell her dad to stop buying her so much designer stuff! Rufus is hella pissed but the Subtitler and I agree that maybe you should have watched your fifteen year old while she was speaking to the press.

Also, this is on The Interviewer too? He didn't check with her parents? He's longterm pals with Rufus and Allison but didn't find this suspect? He didn't fact check? This is what happens when you do like five interviews, poop out an article, and send it to print all in less than twenty-four hours.

Jenny begs her mother to say something. Allison is like: it may be time to start parenting you. Jenny cries.

XOXO, Gossip Girl!








Sadly, in this episode no one twirled around a stripper pole or made out or anything! Dan only took his shirt off one time! Nico didn't take his shirt off AT ALL. Hmph.

Next week is the DEBUTANTE BALL THOUGH. I'm going to try to put these recaps on more of a schedule, if I'm able to… Maybe twice a month? That sound good? There are 25 episodes total and I honestly would like to get through as many of them as I can. If twice a month isn't feasible, definitely at least once a month.