recap: gossip girl acapulco, 1x05

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It is here. It has begun. Max and Bárbara are going to fuck by the end of this recap. Buckle yourselves in, and let's go.

But first, we once again pick up where we left off: Vanessa creeping up on Dan while he pretends not to be paralyzed with a mix of confusion and fear. She visibly breathes in his hotness while explaining that she has convinced her mom to let her move to Acapulco on the condition that she attend college the following year. I am not quite sure what kind of a parenting deal that is, but I respect them trying to set up for the never-happening second season so early.

(Sidenote, you know what I was always bitter about? We never got to meet Vanessa's lesbian punk rock sister Ruby! Doesn't Ruby sound so amazing? I bet she was amazing.)

Next we cut to Jenny, who is cruising a jewelry shop on orders from Barb, because this is both the CB fucking ep and the masquerade ep. As expected, the masks/costumes are terrible. But honestly, they were sort of terrible in the original too (the gowns at least, #sorrynotsorry). The jewelry guy lends Jenny an ugly bracelet, which I thought was weird both in the original episode and now. Who just gives away presumably hundreds of dollars of jewels to some fourteen year old off the street?

In Max news: girls in bikinis stop to kiss a fully-suited Max on his way to meet Bart for some kind of business meeting held outdoors near girls in bikinis. This show's dedication to vistas is staggering. Later on, when Bart dies, his wake is also held in front of a vista with the coffin plopped between two palm trees. Anyway, Max is here to drop his plan to own and operate a cabaret. Bartiliano is extremely doubtful: "You want me to lend my hotel empire's good name to a brothel?"

IF ONLY YOU KNEW.

Max protests that that is totally not the deal (the prostitution comes later in the business plan, growth opportunities, etc.) but Bart is just like, "Fuck off, failure son. I should have left you on some church steps somewhere when I had the chance." He looks like he's thinking it, at least.

This plot goes the way of the original (i.e., Max tells Lily that Bart is messing around with his business partner, she's sad, she and Bart make up) except like 99% of it happens totally off-screen and there's no real closure on the Max/Bart stuff. Bart doesn't change his mind about the cabaret. There's no Max/Lily drunken bonding. Max really feels like a nonentity for a lot of this series, until he is abruptly not.

Barbie and Sof are lounging cutely around yet another vista while Barbie whines about how much the masquerade planning is stressing her out. "I hate social pressure!" she exclaims without a hint of irony or sarcasm, pressing her closed fist to her forehead like a cartoon character about to swoon. And then, "Oh who am I kidding? I love it." That's my girl. She explains her plan to leave clues for Nico that will lead him step-by-step to her vagina – and lbr, he needs the help. Sofia betrays not a hint of the weirdness of this in her expression. She does ask if Barbie wants her to skip the party but Barbie tells her it's her job to deliver the final clue and they hold hands like that's really sweet and not at all fucked up.

I love Sofia because I love Serena but I always thought Blake brought a nice kind of playful sarcasm to her performance that Sofia doesn't really have. Sofia is a lot more guileless. Serena was never jaded but she wasn't stupid either: she knew the score. Like, I remember in this scene in the original, Blake had more of a "honey you're crazy but I'm going with it out of love" look on her face, as opposed to Sofia who is just genuinely pleased that Barbie is trusting her to pass a Don't Fuck My Boyfriend Again test.

Barbie is also trying to get Sofia to invite Daniel to the ball, presumably to keep her busy and away from Nico. Sofia protests that it's not his kind of thing, he wouldn't be interested, and Barb is all yeah right, he'd wear Leonora's bikini if it meant getting to hang out with Sofia. Hot?

Sofia also says something funny about how the mask will shield Daniel from the kids that hate him. Why are they pretending like he has no friends?? He had a BEACH FULL of friends!

This is intercut with a scene of Daniel, Vanessa, and Rufus chatting in a friendly way about how Rufus' marriage is crumbling. Hahahaha wasn't it a good thing they didn't call the hotel Hotel Allison????? Hahahahah dodged a bullet there!!!!!

Rufus spends most of this conversation hassling Daniel about Sofia and the masquerade for no reason except plot machinations. A masked ball is apparently the height of bourgeois capitalism because Vanessa is visibly grossed out by the mere idea. I mean, she's not wrong. Daniel and Rufus also make Vanessa feel like shit the whole time by harping on and on about how amazing Sofia is, which is super douchey because Vanessa is Dan's ex and everybody knows that. It's weird that she moved to Acapulco just for his dick but there's no need to make her feel like garbage because he found someone new.

Sofia calls Daniel to invite him to the ball and he practically explodes with glee. Vanessa plots Sofia's slow murder in her head. Vanessa interrupts the conversation and Sofia hears her voice; Dan tries to pass it off as Jenny, jut as Jenny is arriving at the Fuenmayor casa. Busted, bro! Sofia hangs up on him without issuing an invite, and Vanessa is now pretty gleeful herself.

Barbie goes into full man-snagging mode as she tries to score a date for Sofia. She needs that shit locked down just in case Nico follows the clues to the wrong vagina. Spoiler alert: he's going to follow the clues to the wrong vagina.

Speaking of Nico, things are going just swimmingly over at his house. A coked up El Capitán is haranguing poor Acapulco Anne about clothes, or some such nonsense. This wakes up Nico, who emerges blearily from his bed (naked, ofc) just in time to get screamed at by his father like a contestant in a Toddlers & Tiaras pageant. Nico needs to SHINE tonight, he has to SHINE!!!!!!!! Apparently a masked ball thrown by a teenager is of utmost import to coked up businessmen. It really IS the height of bourgeois capitalism

After this, Nico, his suspenders, his popped collar, and his ladies' sunglasses go meet Max in front of – you guessed it – a vista. I will never be able to type that word again after I finish these recaps. Max is in a hot tub absolutely packed with girls, because of course. Max smarms about his daddy issues, totally dismissing the fact that Nico's father is abusive and Max's father just doesn't want him to run a brothel. Max also says something about how dads need to be taught lessons too, and is it wrong that sounds vaguely sexual to my ears? Oh god am I as much of a perv as Max? I do talk about boobs a LOT.

Also Nico's credit card gets declined because in about two seconds his family is going to be out on their asses cutting up a single bean for dinner like Depression-era hobos.

Now that Dan has no plans, Vanessa is sucking up the rest of his day. She's going on about all the stuff she missed about Acapulco and I am confused. I thought all the poor people were from Buenos Aires but just moved here two seconds ago?? Did they live in Acapulco, then Buenos Aires, and now they're back? Someone explain this to me.

Much like me, Daniel is distracted. Vanessa wonders if things are off between them because of how she totally cheated on him that one time? Daniel is like yeah, actually, but it doesn't matter anymore because he has Sofia. Vanessa ignores that and tries to date him some more instead. She does a solid job of it – feeding him ice cream, knowing his interests, inviting him for a movie night. Your move, Sofia.

The next time we see Vanessa, she's grilling Rufus about the bourgeois capitalist school he chose for his children, because that's her business. He whines about wanting them to get the best education, but, like, one of your kids wants to be a fashion designer and the other is a SURFER, do they really need to go to that fancyass school?

Also stop confiding in your teenage son's ex-girlfriend, Rufus! That shit's creepy! He also offers Vanessa a place to live and a job. DUDE. WHERE ARE THE BOUNDARIES AT THE HOTEL BOCA CHICA.

I've noticed, just because of recapping, that these episodes are comprised of so many tiny scenes that it would be whiplash-inducing if I cut back and forth between plots and characters as much as the actual show does. So I'm trying to make things more ~cohesive in my retelling of it, especially knowing a lot of you haven't watched the show. We'll see how that goes!

Barbie and Jenny have a quick scene where Barbie compliments Jenny's ugly bracelet (presumably Regina George style – "That's so cute, where did you get it?") and reiterates that Jenny is definitely, absolutely not invited no way, no how. She cannot gain entrance to the Emerald City. She also gives Jenny the Nico sex clues and sends her off to distribute them. Oh, Barb.

Daniel goes to tell Jenny about Vanessa but finds her room empty and her computer conveniently open to GG's twitter feed (GOD IT MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE AS A TWITTER ACCOUNT I WILL NEVER BE OVER THAT), where he learns about Sofia's dating debacles and strides off full of purpose. He will cancel on Vanessa for the night by citing a school project that does not exist while he lugs a very obvious garment bag.

Vanessa and Rufus are flirting in her bedroom when Jenny storms in moodily to rant about being Barbie's servant. She got Barbie's undies and her jewelry and her dress and even handed out her sex clues! Her face on the sex clues bit is particularly great. It's like she has lost all understanding of how she came to this point in her life. But luckily for all involved, Vanessa has a plan! She knows all the poor people in the land and they will band together to get this Cinderella to the ball!

Lil Nico is making confused faces at his computer, which I assume is business as usual. He confronts his dad about how his accounts have all been drained of funds, but his dad is just like "coke coke coke you're a disappointment coke." El Capitán's lawyer tries to explain how they are seriously, actually poor while El Capitán sniffs dramatically and looks villainous. It's so silly it makes me miss Rogelio de la Vega, who I believe is Acapulco Lily's RL brother (and who also happens to share Nico's last name, so perhaps there is something to this)?? She was in an episode of Jane the Virgin for a hot second. CW-ception!

Nico brings his Natefusion to Sofia's doorstep. She answers the door with her bra on full display for some inexplicable reason and tries vaguely to cover up but in the next shot her bra is still totally exposed, so whatever. Nico tells her all his troubles, which is a pattern at this point; he always goes to Sofia first with his problems. This show doesn't seem to forget about Nate/Serena quite as much (or maybe it's just that I never paid attention to that ship much before, lol) because it's very much background throughout the entire season. There are some great moments later on where Nico is all huffy every time he has to interact with DS, which is pretty cute. Even when it's not front and center, the actors' performances reflect that it's still present in their minds. I've never been a Nate/Serena fan, which is neither here nor there, but it does seem somewhat less forgotten to me here.

Sofia is sympathetic and tries to comfort him, but because Nico is a STUPID FUCKING BOY, he interprets this as his chance to try and kiss her. Sofia shuts that down and sends him on his merry way. Poor girl did not sign up for this day she's having.

Masked ball time! The masks are horrible and everyone looks like crap. Max's has huge horns and is comprised of what looks like synthetic leaves from a craft store. Jenny blows kisses at herself in the mirror because she feels so hot. Oh, Jen. P.S. Jenny and Sofia will be mistaken for each other by Nico and I need to point out that not only are they wearing totally different dresses with totally different faces and totally different bodies, THEY DO NOT EVEN HAVE THE SAME HAIR COLOR. Maybe Nico needs to visit an eye doctor? Is that perhaps the source of all his woes? It puts the eternally confused expression into a new perspective. The boy just can't see!

Last minute, Jenny decides Vanessa's bag "fits her better," so they switch. The CB Fan Subtitler (CBFS?) adds: "[Apparently her wallet and personal items do as well?]" which I got a genuine laugh out of. Seriously, Jenny didn't even take her own phone with her?? What kind of teen is this broad?? This is all just a ploy to get Vanessa to crash the ball to return Jenny's keys (uh, she lives in an open-air hotel where you also live and can let her in?). It's thin. It is a very thin premise.

Barbie is standing around bitching and moaning about Nico to Max, who says something gross about how he could find her just by her scent. Ew? That feels like an ew. Barbie definitely throws up in her mouth a little and instructs him to light a fire under Nico's ass, but Max spots Jenny so he leaves to deal with that. His boner is so visible it's a wonder he can walk.

The minions harass a distracted Nico with clues even though Barbie is standing like five feet away looking desperate and annoyed. Out of all the words they say, he only registers "Sofia" and ambles off to find her. Barbie starts throwing back drinks hardcore enough that the minions look worried.

Daniel shows up looking super hot. He steals a drunk guy's mask and name to get in, then immediately interrupts Sofia's boring date by throwing a completely random girl at said date, hilariously, and then just swooping Sofia away. She and Daniel have a huffy fight where he admits his lying and apologizes (though he does claim Vanessa is just a friend with whom he has a "complicated history"). He looks so good and I am so thirsty that I keep forgetting to read the subtitles. Presumably they resolve their issues because they start making out juuuust in time for Vanessa to catch them. Who could have possibly seen that coming???????? Vanessa is all I THOUGHT YOU HAD HOMEWORK, ASSHOLE?

Vanessa is super pissed because Dan lied, because he has a new girlfriend, and because he is a bourgeois capitalist who goes to masked balls. He pulls some Regina George "why are you so obsessed with me" shit that kind of proves her point, honestly. But Vanessa launches into a whole spiel about how she came back for him because she can't stop thinking about him and she knows he loves her. She storms off, mic drop style. Sofia is understandably not thrilled about being witness to this conversation. She thought Daniel was different! She thought he was better than her crazy world! Now she can see that he's NOT! This is not a good week for the Parras.

But things are looking up for Jenny! She tricks Max into ditching his clothes and locks him out on the balcony. Then she peaces with all his clothes and his phone. Good girl! (Max will emerge unscathed in a few minutes with a new suit and no commentary on how he got out of this, just compliments for Jenny's vengeance style.)

Nico spots Sofia on her way into the bathroom, and I'm bringing this up only to point out that he 100% sees how she looks. She is in a full-length sparkly blue gown with her hair up and a feathered mask. Jenny, meanwhile, is wearing a short lace dress in a different shade of blue and also she has BROWN HAIR. I guess trading masks was enough to confuse Nico. Maybe he is colorblind, like a golden retriever.

Before that, Sofia and Jenny have a girls' chat in the girls' room. Jenny reassures Sofia by saying DV are just friends and the only person he's ever liked is Sofia. Now that shit is just patently untrue. How could Vanessa have cheated on him if they were not together?? I DON'T GET IT, GOSSIP GIRL ACAPULCO. They trade masks for exactly no reason and as soon as Jenny steps out of the bathroom, Nico grabs her and lays a MAJOR SMOOCH on her. He does not even say anything, it's just a grab & smooch. And it is not Chace and Taylor's awkward peck. Nico goes IN and Jenny takes her time before disentangling.

And of course they made out just in time for Barbie to catch them! Who could have possibly seen that coming????? Jenny flees but Barbie still snatches her bracelet, and then Sofia emerges all PLEASE GO FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NICOLAS. The look on Nico's face made me laugh out loud. He cannot comprehend Sofia approaching after he just kissed Sofia. He got inception'd!

Meanwhile, Barbie gets drunker. She finds Max and Nico, who tells her the car is ready as though he hadn't just made out with a totally different girl. Barbie is exhausted and sad and she's like: "Listen up, fuckboy. I saw what you were up to and you are garbage." Nico swears he thought he was kissing Barbie. Dude, invest in a pair of glasses and also better lies. Then he calls Barbie selfish for good measure (remember what a fuckboy Nate was in s1?). Well joke's on you, buddy, because Barbie is just FINE with that. She says that she is the most important thing in her life. Go, Barb! Now please don't fuck Max, you're doing so well!

Sadly Barbie does not hear me and decides to go with Max to the cabaret. Nico tells Max to take care of her because she's obviously drunk (he also says she never drinks, which I kind of doubt?) and Max promises. Nico. Nico, honey. Asking Max to take care of a drunk girl is like asking a forest fire not to burn down all of California. IT IS NOT GONNA END WELL.

In the car, Max tells Barbie she needs "a real man," someone who will "indulge her whims" and is "just as spoiled as [she] is." You cannot be talking about yourself with that real man shit, dude. AS IF.

They go to the cabaret which is actually just a straight-up strip club. The difference is delicate and tender, but it's there. It usually involves quasi-retro styling and a LOT less stripper poles. Barbie gets drunker and drunker. It's interesting that they chose to make her so clearly, undeniably sloshed – Blair was definitely tipsy when she and Chuck slept together but it didn't feel this blatant to me? Then again, I haven't watched the episode in years and I was a dumb teenage shipper back then, so maybe I saw what I wanted to see. Anyway, SHIT IS SHADY.

They do some flirty shit about whether or not Barbie is sexy and she gets up to take the stage, remarking that at least someone will enjoy what she put on for Nico. SHADY. The she takes off her gown to work the pole. I am not fronting. This is not some cutesy Leighton-Meester-in-a-full-slip-with-no-rhythm shit. Sis is in her bra and panties twirling around a stripper pole drunkenly.

Her lingerie is really cute, though.

You know even though I think Chuck is the antichrist and CB is all that's wrong with society, there is still something to be said for Blair's little burlesque number. Again, I haven't seen the episode in years, but I think what appealed to so many of us was that it wasn't really about putting on a show for Chuck – it was about a very uptight girl shedding her baggage (in the form of a little pilgrim dress) for a minute and feeling happy and free. It wasn't really about being sexy so much as it was about having fun without worrying about the consequences, something Blair in particular was rarely able to do.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: there are things that make a lot more sense on this show, plot-wise, but (to me at least) all of the impactful emotional moments of the original show land awkwardly or not at all. They just feel empty. The shit that grabbed us all about this dumbfuck show were the vulnerable moments of emotion amidst the artifice. I mean, am I wrong? Barbie does a mean heartbreak face, but this is just a shell of a house. There's no one inside. (However, I will say the invented-for-this-show scenes usually play much better.)

Anyway, Max is probably going to pass out if any more blood rushes to his dick.

Max tells Barb she's the sexiest thing he's ever seen, which is all this poor girl wanted to hear. They make out at the club and then go back to Max's place, where they have crazy sex all over everything. No limo sex for these two! How's that for shitting on some iconography? This is not a fully dressed boy and a girl in what essentially amounted to a slip dress kissing in the back of a car with a ridiculous filter overlaid (lol, like why did people think Chuck and Blair were so scandalous and hot? Shit was tame as hell.). Max is objectively more attractive than Ed so he can actually be naked and boy does this show take advantage of that. Sex everywhere! Counters! Beds! All over the place!

And we're out. Sofia and Daniel have not make up (when he calls her, she doesn't answer), Vanessa is still living at her ex-boyfriend's house, Jenny ended her shit week mostly victorious (but it's gonna be over as soon as Barbie figures out what happened), and Barbie has most likely contracted a venereal disease. I hope you used a condom, Barbarita!