recap: gossip girl acapulco, 1x03

Guys it's Barbie!! She's in his music video looking very adorable despite some truly heinous hair extensions! Isn't that PRECIOUS? They're still friends!! They even do some smooching, which is very lovely, especially for those of us that bemoan the lack of Acapulco DB in our lives. Can you imagine if Penn or Leighton were in one of the other's videos? People would lose it. I personally would lose it.

Today's episode picks up right where the last one left off, with ominous music playing as El Capitán does a million lines of coke and Nico looks delicately shocked, like a Victorian lady with the vapors. El Capitán has no time for this, and literally thrusts a pen at Nico, all HERE'S YOUR FUCKING PEN NOW GET OUT. But Nico's need for a pen has been superseded by his need for his dad to not be a crackhead, so they fight a bit, drawing the attention of Acapulco Anne. Without missing so much as a single beat, coke still held aloft in his hand, El Capitán goes from "I will do all the coke I want, you fucker" to "Wife, look what I just found our son doing!"

Nico is not pleased, to say the least.

Sofia perches picturesquely in front of her vista thinking sad thoughts, as I'm sure anyone with a vista does. Barbie approaches. You can tell they're going to be making up because they are both wearing soft yellow dresses. And so they do. It's the 1x03 (I think?) letter scene, basically, but it lacks real emotional punch positioned at the beginning of the episode. Also Barbie's letter is an email, because it's not 2007. It is pretty cute, though; I'm not made of stone, so lady best friends crying and loving each other will always get me, at least a little.

Now that they're best friends again, they roll into school together in their ugly uniforms! Not for nothing, but the uniforms on this show look like they came right off a porn set. Also Max is queering up on Daniel something fierce. Like, arm around him walking into school like a Chuck/Dan fic from 2008. It's just missing the proprietary scarf.

Meanwhile Nico is posing moodily on a bench waiting for a girl to approach him. Luckily Jenny does! Barbie side-eyes this from a distance, waiting for the right moment to intervene. Jenny very cutely asks if Nico is okay because he looks upset – and I won't lie to you guys, I shipped Nico/Jenny a lot the first go 'round, which was quite the shock to my system, I assure you. She lays some serious game on him. Nico is toast. (She also introduces herself thusly: "Jenny Parra. Delighted!" Except in Spanish. AND I AM DELIGHTED TOO, BECAUSE YOU ARE DELIGHTFUL, JENNY PARRA.)

Nico excuses himself before he fucks another of his girlfriend's friends in a public place. Barbie swoops right in, all HI SWEETIE WANT TO FUCKING DIE? Jenny does not want to die so she tries to deny the game she was laying down but Barbie is just like "whatever, I'm used to it, people are trying to get Nico's dick every minute of every day." Barbie allows her to live, so Jenny scuttles off, and Sofia slides in to heart-eyes at her renewed bff.

Max sleazes over with his new boytoy Daniel in tow. He legit looks at Dan like he wants to eat him alive, and then sits down so he is directly at Dan's dick-level. Subtle, bro. This courtyard is like fucking awash with pheromones right now. Sofia is pissed about the whole situation. She can't stand Max but all Daniel seems to do is hang out with him! It's like he totally forgot that Max creeped on her and also on Jenny! Go, Sofia! (Remember when Serena hated Chuck? What a time to be alive.)

Cut to some Eric and Lily shit. No1currs, as per usual, though I will say that Lily is just an amazing mother. The doctor is like "here are all these psychologists I recommend for your depressed, suicidal son" and Lily is like "ughhhhhhh can't you just write him a prescription? thx." Mom of the year. Even the doctor is like "the fuck?"

Okay also Dan drives a JEEP, which, if ever there was a way to my ovaries, that's it. He goes to find Sofia, who is like "oh, looking for your new boyfriend Max??????" But he is not. He explains that he's "a little aggressive" and "finds it hard to control" himself and I wonder again if I am watching porn. If only, tbh. He explains about the anger management and Max being his sponsor; Sofia is sympathetic and cute. They make a date, for which Daniel gives her three rules: wear comfortable clothes, bring a bathing suit, and don't ask any questions. Sounds like hottie's into some freaky shit!

Amazingly, El Capitán has taken his bullshit one step further: he is hosting an intervention for Nico. In attendance is himself, Acapulco Anne, The Grandfather (El Abuelo?), and Miss Barbarita, who spends the whole intervention looking awkward and sipping her tea very fast. They have decided to send Nico to rehab. Nico is so incensed at this that he just full-throttle goes along with it, like: YEAH GREAT IDEA BECAUSE DRUGS RUIN LIVES, RIGHT, DAD? I'LL GO RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I WILL PACK MY BAGS THIS FUCKING MINUTE.

Abuelo calls bullshit on the whole debacle and sends Barbie home – she's eager to go, btw, because this is the episode of her lesbian slumber party, which GG herself refers to as a "sexy event," in English – then excuses Anne and Nico too so he can rip El Capitán a new asshole.

Daniel takes Sofia to a beach party! With a ton of people who I guess are his friends? Daniel has friends?? Good for him! Apparently at this Acapulco Burning Man, they have a tradition that new friends must dance for them. That's…weird. But Sof goes for it, doing a really weird rhythmless rain dance in her odd hi-low chartreuse sweater that I can happily show you thanks to the power of gifs. She's like ~what did you think I'd be shy? And Daniel is like ~no of course not, why do you think I invited you to a beach orgy?

(P.S. To locate said gifs, I had to wade through YEARS of tumblr, and also lots of Chuck/Blair blogs so YOU'RE WELCOME. I also spiced up the other recaps with a couple gifs, fyi.)

Cut to some strippers at Max's club! Pseudo-classy burlesque this is not. Nico appears all pissy from his intervention, though he is not at all into the strip club thing, and Max does some grody misogynistic power play shit with the strippers, blah blah. Max also pronounces Barbie's slumber party "que hot" and for once I agree. I don't really understand the point of this scene.

Onto Barbie's lesbian fiesta! It looks pretty cheesy and what sounds like fake Katy Perry is playing, which I suppose is appropriate. Sofia has totally flaked so she can get the D, and Barbie allows it to slide because they just made up. But she also ramps up the Jenny hazing considerably, which I feel is not exactly a coincidence. At said fiesta, Barbie has put all of the girls in actual lingerie and makes them play some weird truth-or-dare/spin-the-bottle hybrid where only she is allowed to issue dares, all while holding a random fairy wand. And her first dare is for girls to kiss! Jenny is SHOCKED. We don't actually see any girls kissing. Now it's Jenny's turn to be dared!

She makes Jenny break into Eric's rehab and bust him out, providing a cute distraction as she pretends to be on All the Drugs, allowing Jenny to slip in. (Side note, Blair's faux-drugged-out act on NYC GG is one of my fave Blair moments ever. Fun Blair! Such a rarity!) Jenny wanders around and gets caught and fakes a sex addiction and eventually steals Eric away. This would also be their first meeting. The poor kid was having brownies and milk in his room, which seems like a nice night to me, but he's grateful for the field trip. Blair takes them all clubbing, STILL in lingerie and slippers, despite it being "against her morals" to take underage children into a club. Oh, Barb.

Lily and Rufus blah blah blah.

Meanwhile Dan is laying some serious game on Sofia. She is ~scared of her ~feelings for him. It is both silly and adorable. They get kissing cock-blocked like a million times, the last of which is Rufus and Lily sending them after missing Eric so they don't have to do ANY parenting AT ALL. God forbid.

Barbie and her minions groove in unison up at the club, it's gr8. But Barbie feels she has not fucked with Jenny enough! She has not yet broken her spirit, and it's not a slumber party until at least one girl's spirit is broken. Barbie spots a guy literally in the process of getting engaged and tells Jenny to go make out with him. Jenny refuses! Barbie goes to make out with him herself! Fun! The fiancée wants to throw down but Barbie just blows a kiss at her and then fucks off. Bless her.

Dan and Sofia arrive at the club just as Barb&Co. are leaving. The bouncer greets Sofia as the dearest of old friends, weirding Dan out vaguely. Eric calls, finally, and like a good sister-mom, Sofia is all, "of course you should go clubbing just tell me first!!!" She and Daniel get back into his hot Jeep to go meet up with them at the new location, though we don't get to see them get there this episode. They just drive off into the night, into the plot, with no resolution.

Barbie decides to haze Jenny EVEN FURTHER by making her go into the Fuenmayor boutique and try on a dress. Jenny is down, because she apparently has learned nothing. Eric is less down. Barbie obviously locks Jenny inside and the immediately leaves as the frantic tweens are frantic about what to do. The episode ends right here! It's pretty damn abrupt. We couldn't have cut the Max/Nico bullshit so this could get tied up? We really have to wait for the next episode for this? Bumping the coda to the beginning of the following episode is very soap opera but it is not very satisfying!

Daniel and Sofia have still not even kissed one time.