I am afraid by posting this one so quickly on the heels of the first, I am setting a precedent that I will not be able to maintain.
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potentially important links:
+ the last recap
+ the faces guide
+ links to watch that I haven't checked out in a year
And we're back! Episode 2! This episode combines our 1x02 and 1x03 – the brunch episode and the Ivy mixer episode. Secret sex mishaps, only at school! Faux drug addictions! Mixin' stuff up!
We open on Sofia going to Bárbara's to chat. There is a view that made me weep a little as I gazed hopelessly at the snow outside my window. Also Barbie is wearing a bikini to breakfast, which we have already established as de rigueur for this show. It's could be a drinking game rule, except, you know, good luck with liver disease.
Barbie is having none of Sofia's heart-to-heart, probably because Sofia is not wearing a bikini and therefore not following proper etiquette. B goes IN. Here are some mean things she says:
• threatens to rip out Sofia's extensions
• Sofia has ruined her relationship, her birthday party, AND NOW her breakfast
• asks if Sofia is drunk and calls her a bitch
• Sofia is all of these things: promiscuous, a horrible friend, a slut (she really wanted to drive this point home I guess), and a liar
Sofia cries a single tear and then leaves.
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School! Jenny has a sparkly backpack. Daniel is trying to make sure Jenny is okay post-assault and offers to find her someone not-her-brother to talk to, which is very sweet. Jenny is super uninterested in this entire conversation and says she's fine and only really cares about having messed up Barbie's party. Jenny, honey.
Gossip Girl has been Gossip Girling about both the Parras but it's all embarrassing shit and they are freaking out about being a party-ruiner (Jenny) and scaring Serena off with his violent show of masculinity (Daniel). They also spot the list of invitees to the stand-in for the Ivy mixer, an alumni event that university reps also go to. Wait, is that what the Ivy mixer was too? I think it was. I recall the word "alumni" being thrown around but I don't fully remember and I'm not checking.
Anyway, Danny (they call him that) bombed his interview and is not invited. Being middle class is the worst! It flashes back to the interviews, where Dan is rambling about how his family was always on tour because his parents (both of them?) are musicians and bb!Dan on tour is one of my favorite headcanons, so that is nice for me. Nico actually semi-tries in his interview. Max does that I'm Chuck Bass thing and I can't wait for Daniel to punch him again (oh yeah, it's coming).
Meanwhile at rehab, Sofia and Lily argue about Eric coming home and I'm so sorry, I do not care. I had to force myself to care about NYC Eric and I could barely do that, so. Sofia loses this one and on her way out is conveniently spotted by Max, who immediately calls up Barbie like the snitch he is.
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Do you love that face.
Barbie, meanwhile, is having a cuddle with Nico (bikini & coverup), who is inexplicably wearing a shirt. What's up with that? She demands he cease speaking to Serena lest he want to incur her wrath, but Nico is unconvinced. Max's call interrupts them and Barbie pretends he's her mom on the phone for some reason I don't fully understand. Perhaps it's another of his highly specific fetishes?
Anyway, he snitches, she's thrilled, and we all know where this is going. Barbie thinks Sofia lied about being in boarding school and was in rehab instead. She also says that if Max wasn't a pervert, he should work for the CIA. Honey, it was honestly a coincidence, he is not even half as useful as you think he is.
Daniel drops into the fancy hotel to find Sofia, looking hot. Instead he finds Nico and Lily, who is old-lady flirting with Nico like her life depends on it. She laments that Nico is not dating her child and Nico does not ask why all the parents want him to fuck their kids, but he should. It's weird.
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Daniel and Nico both take a seat to wait and make some cute/awkward small talk until Max shows up to cockblock them. His father owns this hotel, and also TWO HUNDRED others. He class-shames Daniel a bit and calls him trash, but Daniel pretty much just laughs it off because he's super hot and taller than both of them.
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Jenny goes to Barbie's! I hope it's as lesbionic as the original.
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Close enough!
While Barbarita sunbathes, Jenny apologies for almost being raped and for Daniel hitting Max, saying she's embarrassed and feels horrible for ruining the party. Oh, honey. Please take your brother up on that offer to talk to someone, especially someone who is not Acapulco Blair Waldorf.
Barbie says GG does not even care about Jenny, so whatever; Barbie is the only one GG cares about. She also says she is basically Mother Teresa and Jesus rolled into one (yes, she does), so she will forgive Jenny. Legit every single time Jenny says something, Barbie says OBVIO in the sassiest, bitchiest way possible. Drink for that, like five times.
Aw, and there's a nod to the lesbian power hydrangeas! Remember those!
Dan whines to Acapulco Rufus about the alumni event. Looks like someone's gonna be blowing up Lily's phone.
Nico and Max are golfing and drinking mimosas, because they're hardcore like that. These crazy teens, what will they do next! Nico points out that Max should maybe, just maybe, just try to not attack girls, but Max is like "whatever, bro" and calls Nico "Nicolas" while trying not to have an obvious boner. He explains, with the delicacy and lack of vulgarity that is Chuck-Max's hallmark, that if Nico cannot fuck Sofia, he should just man up and fuck his hot girlfriend. And then he gives Nico a key to some poor stranger's dorm room so Nico can fuck Barbie mid-alumni mixer. Ok.
Nico turns it down but Max physically puts the key into his pocket, probably feeling him up in the process.
Even though he was stressing about not being able to find Sofia, Daniel has now apparently found her and they are having a heart-to-heart on the beach (of course). Sofia has been trying to have a heart-to-heart with literally every character she has crossed paths with all day and so far this is her first success. She tells him about Eric's depression/suicide attempt; Dan is hot and concerned and asks what he can do to help. Sofia says no one else has even offered to help! No one cares! Dan cares!
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A call from Lily interrupts them before they can throw down in the waves. She reminds Sofia about the event (we KNOW, Lily) and tells her to bring Dan along. There was "a mistake in the list." Yeah, sure. A mistake corrected by Rufus' dick.
Getting ready montage! Jenny actually dresses Barbie, like zips her up and fastens her jewelry. It's no casual stripping and fancy lingerie, but I'll take it. Also, Sofia's business-casual-school-event look involves all of the following: drag queen eye makeup, a huge side braid, a blazer, and skintight teal capri pants. God bless. This is like the time Serena wore that blouse with the plunging neckline to her Yale interview.
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At the event, everyone is made to feel like shit by their parents. Max is trying to get Acapulco Bart to not hate him, but it's a no go, especially as Daniel snakes the random suited men he's talking to out from under him. But even Acapulco Bart does not hate Max as much as El Capitán hates Nico! He calls Nico a beauty queen, or not even good enough to be a beauty queen, or something.
Sofia tries to talk to Bárbara, who is still not fucking having it. Sofia is like: maybe you should talk to some of the important people here? And Barbie is like: maybe you should go fuck yourself?
Nico decides that this moment, when everything is already going wrong for him, is the best time to have a heart-to-heart with Sofia, who is only interested in heart-to-hearts with not-Nico-shaped people because she's pissed he tattled to Barbie about the champagne sex. He gives her the key to the sex dorm so they can "talk" and Max of course notices, because he is overly concerned with Nico's sex life. Max then pulls Barbie aside and gives her a key to the sex dorm so she can have sex with Nico and he can live vicariously through her, I guess. Barbie says he's gross and in English he says, "I know, I know." Well, at least you know.
Even though by this point Nico's stress levels are visibly through the roof, Barbie peer-pressures him into fooling around. They make out all over the hallway. Barbs goes straight for his dick. And then surprise! Sofia is waiting the sex dorm. Everyone fights! Sofia goes off! She is over asking for Barbie's understanding! Have fun with your ill-advised quickie! Nico is an idiot! All of this is valid.
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Sofia's face is killing me here.
B stalks right up to the podium and does that whole spiel about Sofia's drug addiction and honoring the rehab clinic. Amazingly bitchy, she puts one hand over her heart and then blows a kiss to Sofia with the other. Unlike our Serena, Sofia declines to save the moment with a heartfelt speech and instead just runs off. Max says something snarky about her to Daniel, who hauls off and punches Max right in the face again. Beautiful.
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Gratuitous shot of topless Dan.
In a hilarious addition to the show, Max has arranged it so that Daniel either gets sued/kicked out of school for the punch, or he goes to anger management classes. Rufus is PIZZED. Dan tries to defend himself while flexing his abs. He only punched Max like three times! He was defending the honor of multiple women! Max tried to RAPE YOUR DAUGHTER, Acapulco Rufus! When this is revealed, Jenny acts like that is the craziest thing she's ever heard and also like she has never even met Dan before in her life. Who is this crazy guy? What is he talking about? Certainly nothing that is true, that's for sure!!!!
Rufus has a coronary. He has some dick-measuring contest with Bart later, yadda yadda, no one cares. Dan ends up in anger management anyway, and what's worse, Max is his SPONSOR. This would be pretty great if I did not hate Max. A list of pretty funny things Max says while Dan tries really hard to not punch him a fourth time:
• Tranquilo, Daniel. (Repeated like sixty times.)
• I just want what's best for you.
• Fight me – with peace.
• Repeat with me: I am love.
Also Max's black eye just looks like eyeshadow fallout.
All of this just makes it look like Daniel does have genuine anger problems (which…sorta does) and he is adorably infuriated by the entire situation. He even says my favorite thing to say when I am infuriated: I AM AN ADULT. An essentially meaningless statement. However, despite BEING AN ADULT, Daniel can't get out of this one.
Jenny is having a cute girls' lunch on Barbie's dime. Daniel arrives to pick her up and tries to pay for Jenny to no avail while Barbie teases him a bunch. I am sad we never got to experience Acapulco DB, because they are both the hottest people on this show. Jenny takes eight years to kiss every single girl goodbye, presumably because lesbians, and Dan takes this opportunity to have a little chat with Barbie. He explains all about Eric, which is not his place AT ALL, and implores Barbie to not be cruel to Sofia because her family's going through so much. It's an interesting tweak to the original.
Barbie now feels like shit.
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There is a montage: Barbie creepily leaves tissues in Sofia's room while Sofia is sleeping (that's…really weird, Barb). Jenny buys herself some lesbian power hydrangeas. Dan kumbayas through anger management while Max watches (I think Max is as thirsty for Daniel as I am. Remember how super gay Chuck was in s1?). And then we segue over to Nico, who is wearing suspenders, which he does a lot even though it is unnecessary – his pants are so tight he probably needs a seam-ripper to get out of them.
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He's talking to someone on the phone, potentiality the bank or something? His checks haven't been going through! Uh-oh! Needing to jot down some bank info, he goes to get a pen but instead finds his dad doing buttloads of coke. Whoops! That's not a pen!
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For next time: will I get even thirstier for Acapulco Dan? Will he and Serena finally smooch? Will anyone put on a full outfit? We'll see!
(Spoiler alert: yes, I don't remember, probably not.)
potentially important links:
+ the last recap
+ the faces guide
+ links to watch that I haven't checked out in a year
And we're back! Episode 2! This episode combines our 1x02 and 1x03 – the brunch episode and the Ivy mixer episode. Secret sex mishaps, only at school! Faux drug addictions! Mixin' stuff up!
We open on Sofia going to Bárbara's to chat. There is a view that made me weep a little as I gazed hopelessly at the snow outside my window. Also Barbie is wearing a bikini to breakfast, which we have already established as de rigueur for this show. It's could be a drinking game rule, except, you know, good luck with liver disease.
Barbie is having none of Sofia's heart-to-heart, probably because Sofia is not wearing a bikini and therefore not following proper etiquette. B goes IN. Here are some mean things she says:
• threatens to rip out Sofia's extensions
• Sofia has ruined her relationship, her birthday party, AND NOW her breakfast
• asks if Sofia is drunk and calls her a bitch
• Sofia is all of these things: promiscuous, a horrible friend, a slut (she really wanted to drive this point home I guess), and a liar
Sofia cries a single tear and then leaves.
School! Jenny has a sparkly backpack. Daniel is trying to make sure Jenny is okay post-assault and offers to find her someone not-her-brother to talk to, which is very sweet. Jenny is super uninterested in this entire conversation and says she's fine and only really cares about having messed up Barbie's party. Jenny, honey.
Gossip Girl has been Gossip Girling about both the Parras but it's all embarrassing shit and they are freaking out about being a party-ruiner (Jenny) and scaring Serena off with his violent show of masculinity (Daniel). They also spot the list of invitees to the stand-in for the Ivy mixer, an alumni event that university reps also go to. Wait, is that what the Ivy mixer was too? I think it was. I recall the word "alumni" being thrown around but I don't fully remember and I'm not checking.
Anyway, Danny (they call him that) bombed his interview and is not invited. Being middle class is the worst! It flashes back to the interviews, where Dan is rambling about how his family was always on tour because his parents (both of them?) are musicians and bb!Dan on tour is one of my favorite headcanons, so that is nice for me. Nico actually semi-tries in his interview. Max does that I'm Chuck Bass thing and I can't wait for Daniel to punch him again (oh yeah, it's coming).
Meanwhile at rehab, Sofia and Lily argue about Eric coming home and I'm so sorry, I do not care. I had to force myself to care about NYC Eric and I could barely do that, so. Sofia loses this one and on her way out is conveniently spotted by Max, who immediately calls up Barbie like the snitch he is.
Do you love that face.
Barbie, meanwhile, is having a cuddle with Nico (bikini & coverup), who is inexplicably wearing a shirt. What's up with that? She demands he cease speaking to Serena lest he want to incur her wrath, but Nico is unconvinced. Max's call interrupts them and Barbie pretends he's her mom on the phone for some reason I don't fully understand. Perhaps it's another of his highly specific fetishes?
Anyway, he snitches, she's thrilled, and we all know where this is going. Barbie thinks Sofia lied about being in boarding school and was in rehab instead. She also says that if Max wasn't a pervert, he should work for the CIA. Honey, it was honestly a coincidence, he is not even half as useful as you think he is.
Daniel drops into the fancy hotel to find Sofia, looking hot. Instead he finds Nico and Lily, who is old-lady flirting with Nico like her life depends on it. She laments that Nico is not dating her child and Nico does not ask why all the parents want him to fuck their kids, but he should. It's weird.
Daniel and Nico both take a seat to wait and make some cute/awkward small talk until Max shows up to cockblock them. His father owns this hotel, and also TWO HUNDRED others. He class-shames Daniel a bit and calls him trash, but Daniel pretty much just laughs it off because he's super hot and taller than both of them.
Jenny goes to Barbie's! I hope it's as lesbionic as the original.
Close enough!
While Barbarita sunbathes, Jenny apologies for almost being raped and for Daniel hitting Max, saying she's embarrassed and feels horrible for ruining the party. Oh, honey. Please take your brother up on that offer to talk to someone, especially someone who is not Acapulco Blair Waldorf.
Barbie says GG does not even care about Jenny, so whatever; Barbie is the only one GG cares about. She also says she is basically Mother Teresa and Jesus rolled into one (yes, she does), so she will forgive Jenny. Legit every single time Jenny says something, Barbie says OBVIO in the sassiest, bitchiest way possible. Drink for that, like five times.
Aw, and there's a nod to the lesbian power hydrangeas! Remember those!
Dan whines to Acapulco Rufus about the alumni event. Looks like someone's gonna be blowing up Lily's phone.
Nico and Max are golfing and drinking mimosas, because they're hardcore like that. These crazy teens, what will they do next! Nico points out that Max should maybe, just maybe, just try to not attack girls, but Max is like "whatever, bro" and calls Nico "Nicolas" while trying not to have an obvious boner. He explains, with the delicacy and lack of vulgarity that is Chuck-Max's hallmark, that if Nico cannot fuck Sofia, he should just man up and fuck his hot girlfriend. And then he gives Nico a key to some poor stranger's dorm room so Nico can fuck Barbie mid-alumni mixer. Ok.
Nico turns it down but Max physically puts the key into his pocket, probably feeling him up in the process.
Even though he was stressing about not being able to find Sofia, Daniel has now apparently found her and they are having a heart-to-heart on the beach (of course). Sofia has been trying to have a heart-to-heart with literally every character she has crossed paths with all day and so far this is her first success. She tells him about Eric's depression/suicide attempt; Dan is hot and concerned and asks what he can do to help. Sofia says no one else has even offered to help! No one cares! Dan cares!
A call from Lily interrupts them before they can throw down in the waves. She reminds Sofia about the event (we KNOW, Lily) and tells her to bring Dan along. There was "a mistake in the list." Yeah, sure. A mistake corrected by Rufus' dick.
Getting ready montage! Jenny actually dresses Barbie, like zips her up and fastens her jewelry. It's no casual stripping and fancy lingerie, but I'll take it. Also, Sofia's business-casual-school-event look involves all of the following: drag queen eye makeup, a huge side braid, a blazer, and skintight teal capri pants. God bless. This is like the time Serena wore that blouse with the plunging neckline to her Yale interview.
At the event, everyone is made to feel like shit by their parents. Max is trying to get Acapulco Bart to not hate him, but it's a no go, especially as Daniel snakes the random suited men he's talking to out from under him. But even Acapulco Bart does not hate Max as much as El Capitán hates Nico! He calls Nico a beauty queen, or not even good enough to be a beauty queen, or something.
Sofia tries to talk to Bárbara, who is still not fucking having it. Sofia is like: maybe you should talk to some of the important people here? And Barbie is like: maybe you should go fuck yourself?
Nico decides that this moment, when everything is already going wrong for him, is the best time to have a heart-to-heart with Sofia, who is only interested in heart-to-hearts with not-Nico-shaped people because she's pissed he tattled to Barbie about the champagne sex. He gives her the key to the sex dorm so they can "talk" and Max of course notices, because he is overly concerned with Nico's sex life. Max then pulls Barbie aside and gives her a key to the sex dorm so she can have sex with Nico and he can live vicariously through her, I guess. Barbie says he's gross and in English he says, "I know, I know." Well, at least you know.
Even though by this point Nico's stress levels are visibly through the roof, Barbie peer-pressures him into fooling around. They make out all over the hallway. Barbs goes straight for his dick. And then surprise! Sofia is waiting the sex dorm. Everyone fights! Sofia goes off! She is over asking for Barbie's understanding! Have fun with your ill-advised quickie! Nico is an idiot! All of this is valid.
Sofia's face is killing me here.
B stalks right up to the podium and does that whole spiel about Sofia's drug addiction and honoring the rehab clinic. Amazingly bitchy, she puts one hand over her heart and then blows a kiss to Sofia with the other. Unlike our Serena, Sofia declines to save the moment with a heartfelt speech and instead just runs off. Max says something snarky about her to Daniel, who hauls off and punches Max right in the face again. Beautiful.
Gratuitous shot of topless Dan.
In a hilarious addition to the show, Max has arranged it so that Daniel either gets sued/kicked out of school for the punch, or he goes to anger management classes. Rufus is PIZZED. Dan tries to defend himself while flexing his abs. He only punched Max like three times! He was defending the honor of multiple women! Max tried to RAPE YOUR DAUGHTER, Acapulco Rufus! When this is revealed, Jenny acts like that is the craziest thing she's ever heard and also like she has never even met Dan before in her life. Who is this crazy guy? What is he talking about? Certainly nothing that is true, that's for sure!!!!
Rufus has a coronary. He has some dick-measuring contest with Bart later, yadda yadda, no one cares. Dan ends up in anger management anyway, and what's worse, Max is his SPONSOR. This would be pretty great if I did not hate Max. A list of pretty funny things Max says while Dan tries really hard to not punch him a fourth time:
• Tranquilo, Daniel. (Repeated like sixty times.)
• I just want what's best for you.
• Fight me – with peace.
• Repeat with me: I am love.
Also Max's black eye just looks like eyeshadow fallout.
All of this just makes it look like Daniel does have genuine anger problems (which…sorta does) and he is adorably infuriated by the entire situation. He even says my favorite thing to say when I am infuriated: I AM AN ADULT. An essentially meaningless statement. However, despite BEING AN ADULT, Daniel can't get out of this one.
Jenny is having a cute girls' lunch on Barbie's dime. Daniel arrives to pick her up and tries to pay for Jenny to no avail while Barbie teases him a bunch. I am sad we never got to experience Acapulco DB, because they are both the hottest people on this show. Jenny takes eight years to kiss every single girl goodbye, presumably because lesbians, and Dan takes this opportunity to have a little chat with Barbie. He explains all about Eric, which is not his place AT ALL, and implores Barbie to not be cruel to Sofia because her family's going through so much. It's an interesting tweak to the original.
Barbie now feels like shit.
There is a montage: Barbie creepily leaves tissues in Sofia's room while Sofia is sleeping (that's…really weird, Barb). Jenny buys herself some lesbian power hydrangeas. Dan kumbayas through anger management while Max watches (I think Max is as thirsty for Daniel as I am. Remember how super gay Chuck was in s1?). And then we segue over to Nico, who is wearing suspenders, which he does a lot even though it is unnecessary – his pants are so tight he probably needs a seam-ripper to get out of them.
He's talking to someone on the phone, potentiality the bank or something? His checks haven't been going through! Uh-oh! Needing to jot down some bank info, he goes to get a pen but instead finds his dad doing buttloads of coke. Whoops! That's not a pen!
For next time: will I get even thirstier for Acapulco Dan? Will he and Serena finally smooch? Will anyone put on a full outfit? We'll see!
(Spoiler alert: yes, I don't remember, probably not.)