no one look at me

in 'margot is pathetic' news, I had to rewatch an episode of gossip girl (4x10 for those curious) for fic reasons, and experienced a gamut of emotions

this was probably the first time I had actually watched a real episode instead of gifs in years, like since the show ended years

first, upon hearing kbell's voice beckoning me in, I felt overwhelming skin-crawling revulsion

I deeply wished for alcohol

but then. something occured. upon seeing their faces and hearing their voices, a strange feeling overtook me. my heart? reluctantly? became charmed? immediately I was set upon by self loathing

but. my KIDS. nate and dan were just as homosexual as I remembered! blair and serena shared a legitimately heartwarming moment! dan and serena made squishy loving faces at each other! dan and blair jointly tried to raise serena because let's face it, at least they are more qualified to do that than lily.

in case anyone was wondering, lily is still a piece of shit

and then at the end? at the end dan and blair make faces of teamwork and burgeoning respect at each other? and I? my face did a thing? my face did a scrunchy horrible thing? and then my eyes were legitimately damp? I am not sure what even happened there? why feels still have?

I am ashamed but clearly not so ashamed that I didn't make a post about this event in my life